Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Amuse yourselves...

For the next few days I will be working on my latest book, "The Complete Idiots Guide to Making A Machine That Will Carry One Through Both Time and Space"

A project of this magnitude requires complete seclusion on my part. As the deadline lies between here and the November election, which I will be winning by write-in vote with my good friend The Head as veep, I must take a few days off from posting on this blog.

As this deeply pains me, I do plan on providing for all of you.

In the comments section below, please carry on the following discussions while I am away:

1) I belive that Girl Friday has the hots for The Head.

2) While The Head might be comitted to "The Missus" he digs this.

3) I believe there are readers who actually believe that I am (100%) the EXACT same person that wrote The Time Machine and various and sundry other books....and I am.
(Those of you who get this statement, get it. All others fall into the catagory of people this statement is about)

4) Victorian women are STILL hotties.

5) This is an ABSOLUTELY disgusting photograph of a weightlifter's blown out ass.

6) I am the "Mack Daddy".

Please freely and openly discuss these topics, and any others, until my return. I will try to stop in with a comment or two myself.

Cheerio! Good Luck!

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

Campaign Trail

As one might expect, I am heading out on the campaign trail!!

Look for me in your comments section, bloggers!!

I am always looking for a reason to venture out!

I'll be back here soon with a new bevey of blog friends and supporters!

Wells / Head '04
"A Vote For Wells Means You Get Some Head Too!"

Monday, September 20, 2004

Addressing the Issues

Many of you have been e-mailing to find out where the Wells campaign stands on the current isssues of the 2004 Presdiential race....ssooooooo.....here you are!

Interview with Mr. H.G. Wells on "The Issues"

What will you do about the war in Iraq?

Pharmaceutical sales. We will end the "war" and make up for any money lost by increasing sales of pharmaceuticals to Hollywood types.....of course, I'm kidding. We will attempt to smooth the situation over by sending drugs and pornography to any angry rebels and we will force members of the Bush campaign to help rebuild....by hand....alone....without water.....or toilets. But this is just our first draft of what to do....

What about the economy and jobs?

We will employ the "Lewis Black Techinique". Build a giant "thing" therefore creating jobs. Then the buzz about the "thing" will cause people to go see it, therefore boosting business in the area and people will spend $$ to see the "thing" and buy crap. It's a bit more involved than this, but let's not push it....this bit is a little weak.

What about the environment, education and that other stuff?

It will all get better...we will make it better. I have a time machine, see. We can simply go back in time - change where we fucked up - and come back here to a healthy and wealthy USA! In fact, we can prevent war and all kinds of shit with that! Screw that time continium crap and all that "going back and killing your grandfather means you'll never get laid or some shit " stuff. I've been around the time, I can make some sweet changes.

Anything else?

Yes.

And that would be?

I've got a bit of a buzz. I'm sorry. Who's idea was this terrible post?

Yours.

Oh yeah. Well, it's over. VOTE WELLS / HEAD 2004!!!


WELLS / HEAD 2004
" A Vote For Wells Means You Get Some Head Too!!"


Friday, September 17, 2004

Really?

I am tired of this bloody run for president in the US!!

Kerry Bush Kerry Bush

Bugger OFF! Both of you!

I have a better idea....




Thursday, September 16, 2004

War of the Whirled

I am reeling from this, friends. I must sit down for a scotch....

Today I recieved a letter from a young lady professing her love for me. She used some rather filthy language, describing torrid scenes of which I have never imagined two consenting adults taking part in. Here are a few brief excerpts:

"...My life! My soul! The springs of pleasure are wound to such a pitch that I cannot help but succumb to extacy! I must have your love, Mister Wells. "

"...carry me to a new-discover'd sphere of Venus, I am melting into a softness that can refuse you nothing! "

"...I shall open wide my pouting-lipt mouth, that you might unleash thy sweet loving fury! "

As you can see, I have good reason to be flustered!

Yet, this does bring me back from the burning rage I have been suffering from over this Steven Spielberg situation, that filthy hump!

The young lady also included a bawdry photograph. I will not post it here, but since we are the closest of friends....

...you can sneek a peek (here) BEWARE: It is a racy one!

To address this young lady directly....

No thanks.

Oh, and your pits could use a shaving.


Thats all for now!

Wells..........OUT!
(does this sound like a good sign off, or is the whole "seacrest" thing played???)

Monday, September 13, 2004

You Are Playing With Fire, Sir!

Indeed! Playing with fire is what this Steven Spielberg chap is doing! First those chaps STOLE from me for League of Extraordinary Gentlemen and now this! Ghastly insults!

How DARE he plan production of a film based upon my novel War of the Worlds and not consult me! I HAVE NO SAY IN THESE MATTERS? Boo on you, Steven! I have much to say!

That novel needs, at minimum, four or five rewrites before it is ready for the silver screen! I did not prepare that text for film! I have been looking over my 1886-1888 manuscripts and notes from War of the Worlds recently, and I have found passages I removed which might "punch up" a script considerably! Sizeable passages of material, but did you ask? NO.

Furthermore, who is this dowdy David Koepp? Who gave him permissions to "adapt" my work? Were his credentials so overwhelming you could not resist? The flaming idiot has done nothing but adapt others works! Jurassic Park and Spiderman, phooey! His only appropriate work has been Hack, for that is his title!!

I am not going to EVEN comment on this Tom Cruise fellow, the crashing bore. I have viewed a recapitulation of his works and found many of the films to be quite irksome. I do not doubt his performance in Minority Report has led these Hollywood types to believe he is appropriate for my lead character. That and his lengthy list of other works with Mr. Spielberg, that bloody fool!

Goodness, I am a fevered pitch!

I only wish I had been consulted. As this film begins production, I shall hope these men come around and contact me.

If nothing else, as this progresses, it will drive interested parties to this blog. Then I will have my say on this epic production!

Honestly gentlemen, when Orson Welles and the Mercury Theater performed the radio version in 1938, they asked for my assistance and look what a SMASHING time that was!

Call me, Steven. You are going to need me on this one, no one wants my novel to come off like A.I.



Tuesday, September 07, 2004

Talk To The Hand...I Mean Head...

As many of you know, I have truly taken to the full participation aspect of blogging. It is Freedom of Speech in it's rawest form! People around the world can cultivate conversations on the most intriguing of topics, it's a wonder! Philosophy, Politics, Ass Kissing, Science, Begging for Sexual Favors, Sociology, Teen Pop Sensations, Religion... it is a stomping ground for intellectual discussion!....Let's have an example of this.....

The Head said...
Pimp it Mr. Wells. You're an inspiration to us all. You have inspired me to consume several Boodles martinis tonight.
In fact, I will re-comment here later after doing so.
A little known (except for me and, of course, the illustrious Mr. Wells) fact is that Boodles gin is not like other spirits. In addition to the alcohol, it contains magic pixie dust that makes the drinker especially witty and charming, especially attractive to the fairer sex. So men, drink Boodles, chat up some fly honies and you'll be getting a monocle-ful of ankle in no time.
It also makes you smell better, wards off most STD's, and increases your lean muscle mass.

Incorrect Time

The Head said...
I guess it would be spelled "honeys".

Grossly Incorrect Time

H G Wells said...
An excellent testimonial for the Boodles, Head.

As a matter of fact, I returned from my sociological blog studies early this afternoon (just before tea) and had a young hottie from the near east mix me up a Boodles martini! HIT IT!

Hangin' em high, Head! YA HEARD?!

Only Slightly Incorrect Time

The Head said...
Wasted. Just wasted.
Pip pip! on the hottie making you a Boodles martini. yOU LATCH ON TO THAT GIRL IF SHE'S FROM A GOOD FAMILY. OK, caps lock on by accident. I'll leave it as further evidence of the glory of Boodles. If she's not from a good family, she'll gladly make you martinis and sex in exchange for boarding at the local flophouse. You deserve a strumpet Mr. Wells.

Way Off PM

The Head said...
Although those from the East end are clap-ravaged harlots.
West Side hoo-ers are the best.
A whole new level of sophisticated tramp.

Seconds Later
[ed. note: The Head has provided NO solid evidence to support his statement regarding "East end" women.]

The Head said...
The time's all wrong. It's 10:48 pm.
Fuckers.

Wrong Again And The Head Is Unhappy

H G Wells said...
I love a good Boodles martini! These posts are further evidence of just how sophisticated and exciting a good cocktail hour can be!

I remember having drinks with Julius Martov, after the Mensheviks were outlawed and he had emigrated to Berlin..goodness, that was right around 1920 or 1921...only a matter of one or two years before his death. None the less we were drinking Boodles martinis and debating exactly what Lenin had done wrong with Russia and Martov threw his hands up and tried to stand up and FELL RIGHT ON HIS ASS! Hmm...that chap could really sock them away...he was in his late 40's at the time....maybe 48.....BAH! I'm rambling!

Another winner, Head! I raise my glass to you!
-HG

11:01 PM (Right On!)

Today's final word from The HEAD....

The Head said...
Indeed. People would be better off with more cocktail hours.Hitler was a teetotaler and Churchill drank Boodles. Who would you rather associate with?
7:08 AM

[ed. note: All teetotalers are Nazis, so this bit of information is no surprise!]


Friday, September 03, 2004

Letter To Mr. Akshay

From the comment box:

akshay said...
Herbert,
If I can call you that .
I hear you married your first cousin Isabel Mary Wells what made do such a thing?
You believe in keeping the genes in the family,

8:39 AM



Sir,

You have incontestably become the single most irritation in my current quandary. You are a true pain-in-the-akshay. Hahahahahaha!!! Haaaaa. Ahhh. {sigh}

No, you may not call me Herbert. However, I am happy to see that you have run me through the Google, and I expect that you believe you are an authority on all things Wellsian. Wonderful.

As my faithful readers know, for the moment, I have had little interest in speaking of time travel, politics circa 1900-1945 and anything related to colon-rectal cancer. So this, as wih most of your comments, thus far, is quite boring. My current interest lies in this new found blog world and how I can get to the nearest bar for a stiff Boodles martini ( WORD TO MA BROTHA, THE MUTHAFUCKIN' HEAD!)

Do not be mistaken. These issues will all be addressed in good time, please bear with me. I have a particular orderliness which I would like to follow in giving this cornucopious discourse on my life experiences and findings.

As for the young lady. I am from a different era, you ninny! We were far less concerned with how people were related...we were into GETTIN' SOME! I married several women and disappointed everyone one by cheating! See.....GETTIN' SOME!
Additionally, if you tell me that cousins do not marry in India, I will call you an IMPUDENT LIAR! I have been to your country, spoken with your countrymen, I have tasted the fruit of your Hindu women's lions and I have gotten a formidable case of the diaroonies from your water! I'm down with India.

I love the comments, please keep them coming and I will continue my tour of Blogland!

Thanks, Akshay! No harm done, it's all about fun!

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

Adapt or perish, now as ever, is blogging's inexorable imperative...

I originally wrote those words in reference to nature, but I think it applies here as well.

In these past few weeks since I have returned I have developed, not only a knack for the new breed of lady and sippin' on the new brews, (both of which are stronger and more robust than anything in my day!) but I have also found an interest in this "rock music".

I seem to have missed several eras of musicians that produced some of the loudest, most catastrophic, rambling, crashing, smashing, blasting, ass grabbin', punanny chasin', beer guzzlin', coke sniffin', chronic smokin, guitar screamin'.....well, you get my point, it's not parlour music.

In honor and homage to these wild and carefree acts, I have added their links to my page here.

Enjoy them as I do!