Wednesday, October 27, 2004

Revelation!

After a couple weeks in Italy and some strong soul searching, I have come to a decision that was VERY hard to make, my young friends.....

I am an old man. As I was repairing the time machine after my most recent adventures, I truly realized this. While I can play with the wheel of time, spinning it forward and back, I cannot change my place. I add years to my life as do for any chap...even though,at times, I have slowed the process. Perhaps I should have never meddled with that New Accelerator....that did shave a few years off. But I believe you all understand this.....I am an old man.

That said, I am a young man. At heart...in the pants...in the bar...at a swanky cocktail party...I am a young man. I am having the time of my life, I have a strong pimp hand and, clearly, a fine following here and at other sites. I am surrounded by friends, old and new (nod to the Head) and things are only getting better! I am the oldest young man you have ever met!

That said...I cannot continue my run for president. Frankly, it will kill my pimpin' lifestyle and I calculate I will have to cut my drinking by AT LEAST half.....these things I cannot do.

Head, I am sorry, but I think you will agree with my reasons listed. We don't need the headache.

Instead, we can make change and influence our governments and power-brokers through time travel and boozing.....

Just Kidding, People!

Do you think I would honestly drop out of this race?? NEVER!!

I am the only candidate that has it goin' on! Bush, horrid! Kerry, better...but awful!

....and Nader....well......um.......wait one moment. Nader is running... again? BAH! Rubbish!

These past few weeks I have been out on the campaign trail in the mid-west ( you know, the "flyover" states) Let me say, these bloody fools know nothing! Ooops.....

I mean....the midwesterners are some of the finest people in this country. They are the farmers and the farmers-daughters. Just the other day, I was in the loft of a bar getting a "tour" from on particular young lady....well, I'm rambling here......

November 2nd is Tuesday of next week....I EXPECT YOUR VOTE.....damn, did it again.....

I NEED YOUR VOTES, MY FRIENDS!

In the event that you are coming into this race late, I urge you to go back and read the past few months of posts....

WELLS / HEAD 04

Are you still with me!!!?!!

.....I certainly hope so! Otherwise I'm rather screwed, aren't I......


Wednesday, October 20, 2004

Home!



Wooooooooaaaaaaaaaah, Nellie! Christ on the Cross!! I NEARLY PERISHED!!

After two days of tinkering and testing, this cumbrous beast of a machine quite nearly shaved my bits off!!

Look at that thing....well, carefully. Look very carefully. Hurts your eyes, doesn't it?



It's cooling now.......good god, it's a wonder I made it.........




Ahh.....even cooler still. Soon we'll be able to take a good look, and I'll get to inspect this motley wreckage! I do wonder what went wrong!




There we are.....my goodness! It looks hopelessly irrecoverable!

Ah, well. I'll have it up to speed in no time...and then it will be.... GO TIME!

Good to be back! Although my rough re-entry into this time not only left my machine in ruins, but one of my spiffier suits is just torn to rags! ....it was somewhat of an ostentatious get-up. Perhaps it's for the best. I'm glad my goggles didn't melt to my face, that would DEFINATELY put a crimp in my style with the ladies! It is interesting that I arrived only one minute after my early morning e-mail transmission. Something curious is going on with the time waves.

Here's what I'm going to do. I'll clean up, get this wreckage off to a safe place where I can work on it, and I'll be right back here for a bit of blogging....and tea!

Yes, we'll have a nice tea together.

Also, it is nearing election time, and I cannot fiddle around any more. If I am to sweep this thing I need to get on the stick!!







Ut Oh.

It seems thta this machinne is not wrkning properyl.

It has ben two dayss and I am stil hving some probllems.

Fear not, my frends! Old Wellsy wil fgure it out in due tme!

Expect m retrn in a day or so

Fearr not....


Saturday, October 16, 2004

Big Bidness

Mr. Akshay has brought up the toipc of big business, of which I have alot to say about.

However, I am wrapping up a weekend in Italy in the year 1947, July to be exact. It's nice here on the coast. You'd never know the second world war just ended a few short years ago.

I felt the need to get away from the stressors of life and relax a bit. I will be back in your time early Monday afternoon on the 18th of October 2004.

How am I posting, you ask? Thanks to a small device called the "Time Relay Router" Basically, this is a device between my time machine and my area of blogspace. I can e-mail and post with out too much trouble.

In closing, keep up the good work, whatevr that maybe.

We'll speak of big business on Monday!

Hope you are all well!

Friday, October 15, 2004

UGH!

This campaigning is giving me lots of reasons for complaining!!

Good gracious! I am whipped! Tiredness rides me like a lowly be-otch.

I know many of you would like to see more frequent posts, but I have just been SO busy with speeches and appearances, it's tough. Let me give you an example of my daily schedule, let's look at today:

8:00am Wake and Shower
8:30am Enjoy hearty breakfast with Hef and the girls (have I mentioned that I've been staying at the Mansion?)
9:00am Massage and ASSasge
9:30am Meeting with advisors and other campaign members
10:45am Pick up The Head at the Port Authority (don't forget to locate his shoes and hat)
11:30am Martini's and Bloody Marys with The Head in limo
12:00pm Lunch @ Halle Berry's place, poolside
12:45pm Shower (wink!) and leave for campaign HQ
1:00pm Arrive @ HQ
1:01pm Retinal Scan - airlock opens
1:02pm Palm print Scan - airlock opens
1:03pm Ferry to "Inner Sanctum"
1:10pm Elevator to campaign skylab
1:15pm Blog time / Meeting with Sasha and Morgan (from Scores, West Side)
2:30pm [Event deleted]
4:00pm Tea time!

I really could go on with this.....but I shant.

As you can see, I am on a relentless schedule of meetings, martinis and 'tang.

I apologize for my lack of attention to the blog!!

Furthermore, I am coaching Bill O'reilly through his times of trouble....he's such and idiot!

Saturday, October 09, 2004

October 9th 2004
Presidential Candidate H.G. Wells
Radio Address To The American People

On the morning of October 9th 2004, around 9:30 am, Mister Wells spoke to the American people from his favourite armchair while smoking a cigar and enjoying a coffee. The transcript of his speech has been reprinted here.

FOR FUCK'S SAKE!!! I JUST TRANSCRIBED AN HOURS WORTH OF MATERIAL FROM THIS SPEECH AND LOST IT IN ONE FELL SWOOP!!!!

I AM ENRAGED!!! I HATE MY BLOG PRISON! THIS IS COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE!

DO YOU REALIZE HOW ANGRY THIS MAKES ME?

UNACCEPTABLE!

COMPLETLY UNACCEPTABLE!

I AM A ONE MAN OPPERATION ON THIS BLOG, AN ISLAND IF YOU WILL, AND I HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO THAN TRANSCRIBE MY OWN SPEECH AND HAVE IT LOST TO SOME GODDAMED PUBLISHING ERROR!

DAMN YOU, BLOGGER!

[PANTING]

I'm going back to bed.


Wednesday, October 06, 2004

Dia-bowl-ical Debate

I am here and I am going to discuss this silly Vice Presidential debate, but I have something to attend to first......

...I think I ate something which had soured and now I'm paying the price.

Off to the loo!

....Wait! Just a minute here!
....hmm, Presidential debate...Vice Presidential debate...spoiled food....soured.....

My Goodness! These bloody debates have been giving me bowel dysfunctions!

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

Boodles Welfare Reform

(Mister Wells gave the following speech this past Monday, October 4th, 2004. With over 11 thousand people in attendance, a BOOMING success, it has been the largest Wells-Head campaign event since Mr. Wells announced his intention to run for President of the United States. Mister Wells is the first candidate for president that has used time travel to not only defeat death, but also ensure his American citizenship. VP candidate Head is bold choice on Wells' part, as he might have as strong a "Pimp Hand" as Wells himself!)

And here is Mr. Wells, coming to the podium.......

Good evening! Thank you for coming! The drinks are cold, and they will be pouring throughout my speech...so, by all means, get plowed!

Tina, dear, can you top this off for me? Thanks. Is that a new bikini? Nice. Oh, pardon me folks.....on to business!

Today, we have an opportunity too often denied a new administration: to reaffirm a commitment to policies that have worked, and at the same time to make changes when conditions demand them. My candidate for Vice President really pushed for our administration to take a firm stance on the issue of welfare reform, so here it is!

Welfare in the United States once was synonymous with dependency and poverty. Many years ago, some idiots set out to "end welfare as we knew it." This is clearly the wrong approach. Our goal in the Wells-Head administration would be to replace dependency with Boodles Gin, and poverty with personal achievement, and martinis. The key to achieving that goal would putting work aside and drinking first.

In the research we have conducted, results have been dramatic. In 1996, some one-point-two million New Yorkers were on public assistance. Today, that figure has been cut by nearly 50 per cent. Why, because they are shitfaced drunk, happy and now useable! The welfare rolls have continued to go down by some 250,000 cases during the first four and a half months of this year because these people are getting sloshed, which in turn makes then appealing to bum-fight websites and radio morning show bits across the country. And, as we all know, these kinds of jobs can pay anywhere from 1 dollar to a brand new Bose Radio!

Fewer than 4,050,000 Americans now recieve public assistance. Some 54 per cent of that caseload could receive support from the federal "temporary bottles to needy drunkards, " or "TBND" program. The remainder could then receive aid through various state's "Boodles net" program, which would be established to provide continuing flowing gin to those who leave the federal drinking program once its five-year time limit for benefits expires, and for those never covered by federal booze benefits at all.

This reduction in welfare caseload would save us hundreds of millions of tax dollars, and given us innumerable new “friends” to hang out with. More importantly, it has transformed hundreds of thousands of lives. Gin guzzlers who were once welfare-dependant are now working or getting free radios. They have gained a foothold in the world of independence and hope, by cracking open that government bottle.

It isn't easy, not everyone will succeed, Head threw up twice during research. Also, there is word that some test subjects have gotten “real jobs”, but we don't have complete data on exactly what jobs these drunk-ass people have gone on to. But we do know that many have found jobs that allow them to support themselves and their families while keeping a hearty buzz. They are contributing to their communities and keeping Boodles in business. Many others have started on the road to self-sufficient drinking, and with our continued support, will get there as well.

In closing, with a Boodles Buzz – The Bums Gets Jobs! Better living through gin martinis! VOTE WELLS – HEAD 2004!!

Rousing applause!

Wells and Head are carried off by a gaggle of young ladies and bikini bartenders....and one or two science fiction enthusiasts.

Friday, October 01, 2004

Dastardly Debate

I am here and I am going to discuss this silly Presidential debate, but I have something to attend to first......

...I think I ate something which had turned and now I'm paying the price.

Off to the loo!