Tuesday, October 05, 2004

Boodles Welfare Reform

(Mister Wells gave the following speech this past Monday, October 4th, 2004. With over 11 thousand people in attendance, a BOOMING success, it has been the largest Wells-Head campaign event since Mr. Wells announced his intention to run for President of the United States. Mister Wells is the first candidate for president that has used time travel to not only defeat death, but also ensure his American citizenship. VP candidate Head is bold choice on Wells' part, as he might have as strong a "Pimp Hand" as Wells himself!)

And here is Mr. Wells, coming to the podium.......

Good evening! Thank you for coming! The drinks are cold, and they will be pouring throughout my speech...so, by all means, get plowed!

Tina, dear, can you top this off for me? Thanks. Is that a new bikini? Nice. Oh, pardon me folks.....on to business!

Today, we have an opportunity too often denied a new administration: to reaffirm a commitment to policies that have worked, and at the same time to make changes when conditions demand them. My candidate for Vice President really pushed for our administration to take a firm stance on the issue of welfare reform, so here it is!

Welfare in the United States once was synonymous with dependency and poverty. Many years ago, some idiots set out to "end welfare as we knew it." This is clearly the wrong approach. Our goal in the Wells-Head administration would be to replace dependency with Boodles Gin, and poverty with personal achievement, and martinis. The key to achieving that goal would putting work aside and drinking first.

In the research we have conducted, results have been dramatic. In 1996, some one-point-two million New Yorkers were on public assistance. Today, that figure has been cut by nearly 50 per cent. Why, because they are shitfaced drunk, happy and now useable! The welfare rolls have continued to go down by some 250,000 cases during the first four and a half months of this year because these people are getting sloshed, which in turn makes then appealing to bum-fight websites and radio morning show bits across the country. And, as we all know, these kinds of jobs can pay anywhere from 1 dollar to a brand new Bose Radio!

Fewer than 4,050,000 Americans now recieve public assistance. Some 54 per cent of that caseload could receive support from the federal "temporary bottles to needy drunkards, " or "TBND" program. The remainder could then receive aid through various state's "Boodles net" program, which would be established to provide continuing flowing gin to those who leave the federal drinking program once its five-year time limit for benefits expires, and for those never covered by federal booze benefits at all.

This reduction in welfare caseload would save us hundreds of millions of tax dollars, and given us innumerable new “friends” to hang out with. More importantly, it has transformed hundreds of thousands of lives. Gin guzzlers who were once welfare-dependant are now working or getting free radios. They have gained a foothold in the world of independence and hope, by cracking open that government bottle.

It isn't easy, not everyone will succeed, Head threw up twice during research. Also, there is word that some test subjects have gotten “real jobs”, but we don't have complete data on exactly what jobs these drunk-ass people have gone on to. But we do know that many have found jobs that allow them to support themselves and their families while keeping a hearty buzz. They are contributing to their communities and keeping Boodles in business. Many others have started on the road to self-sufficient drinking, and with our continued support, will get there as well.

In closing, with a Boodles Buzz – The Bums Gets Jobs! Better living through gin martinis! VOTE WELLS – HEAD 2004!!

Rousing applause!

Wells and Head are carried off by a gaggle of young ladies and bikini bartenders....and one or two science fiction enthusiasts.

7 Comments:

Blogger The Head said...

It was amazing. Especially that little tart in the bikini who was a science fiction enthusiast. No, in the blue one. The light blue one. You signed her funbags for fuck's sake. Yes, that one. What? No, not Lady Head. She does love your work however.
I'm going "campaigning" tonight. Details to follow.

10:45 AM  
Blogger H G Wells said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

1:42 PM  
Blogger H G Wells said...

Head, I have sold the concept, content and context of this post off for profit. A certain writer friend of mine showed some interest in this material and offered me a healthy sum to assist with a re-write/re-hash of it...possibly for print, so I could not resist.

I do love to see my name in print.

You are still mentioned as VP in the secondary drafts, however I am removed, this should remain as such, if you approve. "The Head" is too easy a jumping off point for humour!

Making another dolla for the campaign.....
-HG

1:43 PM  
Blogger The Head said...

I would imagine that you're tired of seeing your name in print, on the screen, etc.
Well as long as you have artistic control.
I am concerned about me being there if you aren't. I am riding on your coat-tails. I'm not the Father of Modern Anything.
But...The Head abides man. The Head abides.

2:06 PM  
Blogger H G Wells said...

Head I assure you, I will have COMPLETE artistic control at all times.

I'll let you know as things progress.

Keep it on the hizzle fa schnizzel, homes!

5:08 PM  
Blogger Girl Friday said...

Those ladies will catch a cold running around in those tiny, tiny bikini's, shocking!

12:59 PM  
Blogger Isabella said...

Its comforting to note that candidate H.G. Wells does not appeared to be the type to let pansy, egotistical scruples about "artistic" ownership inhibit savvy business decisions. If Wells is elected, i foresee an era of unprecedented profit and exploitation. Huzah!

11:32 AM  

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