Thursday, February 24, 2005

Great Mood!

Ah I am in a great mood this morning!

I had a lovely evening with a young Myrna Loy!



Ah, the year was 1925...she was a mere 20 years old, such a darling.....I do love my ability to travel though time!

For the first time, last night, I visited her without that awful Rudy Valentino coming around! He is such an ass! Three times I have been with Myrna and that persistant Valentino tries to muck things up for me. I never let it get me too hot under the collar, though. After all, he doesn't know it, but peritonitis will be bringing him to his knees by August of '26...so screw him! So much for you, "Son of the Sheik", you sorry bastard.

I do wonder, was it a weak kidney or liver that caused his peritonitis? Either way, that man had no intestinal fortitude!! Ah ha ha ha... what a crack!

Nevertheless, my evening with Myrna was extraordinary!

I won't be kneeding (*wink) that nurse-maid anymore!

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Damned if

that burning sensation "down below" hasn't returned!

I thought this was passed months ago!

Before the problem was different. I was always running to the toilet and when I get there nothing would happen, I would wait for a few minutes before I would get a BURNING trickle of urine. After which the sensation would go, but then it tended to return about 20 minutes later. This cycle of urinating and waiting might last up to a few hours and then everything would return to normal for a day or so, until the sensation starts again.

I visited the doctor and had various tests done and found that I had not contracted anything, but the doctor did say that he used to have the same problem and it would come and go now and again just like what was happening to me at that time.

He said after a while he started to get the sensation to urinate more frequently than normal, so he started to go to the toilet when he needed to and stopped holding it in. Then, after a week or so the sensations and burning pain stopped completely and now he’s fine. However, I told him I don't generally hold back or wait when I feel the need to uninate.

We were miffed, and then the problem just disappeared.

However, now the problem is back...and a bit different....

Recently, after urination, I have a feeling that there is something in my penis. I slowly start to rub my penis to get whatever this liquid is out (extra urine?). I get a strange feeling when I perform this action, and if I continue rubbing, there is a rapid discharge of a milky substance. I enjoy this feeling very much, but I'm wondering if there's something wrong with me.

I have recently hired a nurse-maid to assist me until I figure out exactly what is the problem. She is a lovely young lady who is very anxious to...help out.

I am terribly sorry. This might be the most disturbed post I have made yet!

(Come on, dear readers, I had to write something to keep that nurse-maid around!)

Monday, February 21, 2005

Today's Discovery...

It seems the The World Transhumanist Association , of which I have never heard, has been giving out an award bearing MY name for some time now. While giving an award in my honor is not something which I find particualrly distasteful, this organization's disgression is a little off. Please, let me explain...

Read the official article here

First off, look at this chap.

Aubrey looks like Verne, both major geeks if you ask me.

He looks like Jules Verne on LSD! My GOD!

Why not give him the "Jules Verne Hippy Lookalike Award" and call it a day!

His name is Aubrey de Grey, and he is an actual Ph.D. in something. Based upon his work I would guess Biogerontology....can you be a doctor of Biogerontology? I suppose you can, Aubrey is.

Among Aubrey's credits you will find that he scientist who coined the term “strategies for engineered negligible senescence” (or SENS) AND THANK GOD FOR THAT!!

I have been running around for the past few years shouting “Strategies for engineered negligible senescence THIS!" and “Strategies for engineered negligible senescence THAT!” and "You motherfuckers don't know nuthin' bout pimpin' and you don't know nuthin' bout strategies for engineered negligible senescence...BITCHES!” Yet, I had NO idea this was thanks to Aubrey de Grey and all of his research. So now I can credit him.

Actually, after reviewing Mr. Aubrey de Grey's works and credits, the WORST I can say about him is the Jules Verne comparison. Which he should take as a HORRIBLE INSULT!!

As far as this bizarre World Transhumanist Association, their work appears to be genuine and ethical, so I will support the award they have named for me.

But if they give that award to one more person that looks like Jules Verne, I will cause some heads to roll!!!

Past winners have been (click on photo to read captions):



I can understand a few of these, based on merit, but it's pretty clear they are only picking Verne lookalikes to get my goat!!

...with the exception of Cedric, he's ma Homeboy! You go, Ced!!!

Friday, February 18, 2005

Call me old fashioned

but I just came across a young American lady's blog wherein she writes pornographic stories!

While this is tantalizing, my mind was halted when I realized she was writing these lewd stories

WHILE ATTENDING HIGH SCHOOL "STUDY HALL"!!

At what point did it become acceptable for students in America to take time out from their studies to
1) use a computer for recreational activities such as blogging?
2) blogging pornographic materials while attending school
3) BAH! Forget the listings....

Everything About this IS WRONG!!

...call me old fashioned.

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Pardon me....

young man, what day is this?

Ah, Christmas!! I did not miss it!

Wah...huh?

Oh....oh god!

I was having that awful Charles Dickens dream again!

What is the hullabaloo?

What is all this frantic talk of youngsters "Robotripping"?

This has been going on for YEARS!!

In fact, just in my lifetime I have Robotripped, Dayquiltripped, Bromidtripped, Phosphoroustripped, I even once tripped on sour milk with a young man who was a student of Louis Pasteur!

I just don't see why the news outlets believe we should be concerned for our children over this...

...they should be warning us about the dangers of watching that awful Ashlee Simpson!

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Experienced Bloggers...

Why do our fellow Bloggers, typically the new ones, tend to leave out-of-context comments on our blogs...simply because we have posted on their blogs?

Our original post was in-context...so why not stick with the trend?

Furthermore, an out-of-context comment on my blog pertaining to a comment I left on a different blog is USELESS to MY readership!!! Just leave the comment on YOU OWN BLOG...DON'T WORRY, I'LL BE BACK....I'LL SEE IT.

My goodness!!

(also, this should not reflect poorly on the "bee person" who commented on yesterday's post, however she did set this thought off in my mind.)

Monday, February 14, 2005

Valentine's Day

Ah, yes. Valentine's Day!

Happy Valentine's Day....ladies. Ol' H.G. has a heart-shaped box of candy for every one of you with a heart-shaped ass.

For those of you who don't know, or have forgotten, every holiday has some historic, religious or otherwise meaningful signifigance...other that blatant consumerism. Valentine's Day is no different!

Therefore, please allow me to regail you with

The Story of St. Valentine's Day!!

Let us begin.

One February evening in North Chicago, seven well-dressed men were found riddled with bullets inside the S.M.C Cartage Co. garage. They had been lined up against a wall, with their backs to their executioners and shot to death. With the exception of Dr. Reinhardt H. Schwimmer these men were mobsters working under the leadership of gangster and bootlegger, "Bugs" Moran. Within a few seconds, while staring at a bare brick wall, these seven men had become a part of Valentine's Day history

....wait just a moment. I'm terribly sorry!! That was the St. Valentine's Day Massacre, a rather brutal story, albeit pertinant, to be telling on such a festive day of love.

Please, allow me to begin again....

The Story of St. Valentine's Day!!

Valentine's Day started in the time of the Roman Empire. In ancient Rome, February 14th was a holiday to honour Juno. Juno was the Queen of the Roman Gods and Goddesses, and believe me she was a hot piece of poon! I know, I've been back that way. The Romans also knew her as the Goddess of women and marriage, but more importantly she was hot. The following day, February 15th, began the Feast of Lupercalia.

The lives of young boys and girls were strictly separate back then. However, one of the customs of the young people was "name drawing". On the eve of the festival of Lupercalia the names of Roman girls were written on slips of paper and placed into jars. Each young man would draw a girl's name from the jar and would then be partners for the duration of the festival with the girl whom he chose. In general this was a way for young men to get some random sex. Later, in the 1970's we renamed this concept "the Key Party" and used car keys instead of slips of paper. But I digress, we are talking of love and Valentine's Day...

Under the rule of Emperor Claudius II Rome was involved in many bloody and unpopular campaigns, depending on who you talk to. Claudius the Cruel was having a difficult time getting soldiers to join his military leagues. He believed that the reason was that roman men did not want to leave their loves or families. As a result, Claudius cancelled all marriages and engagements in Rome. The good Saint Valentine was a priest at Rome in the days of Claudius II. He and Saint Marius aided the Christian martyrs and secretly married couples, and for this kind deed Saint Valentine was apprehended and dragged before the Prefect of Rome, who condemned him to be beaten to death with clubs and to have his head cut off. He suffered martyrdom on the 14th day of February, about the year 270. At that time it was the custom in Rome, a very ancient custom, indeed, to celebrate in the month of February the Lupercalia, feasts in honour of a heathen god. On these occasions, amidst a variety of pagan ceremonies, the names of young women were placed in a box, from which they were drawn by the men as chance directed...wait. I've already mentioned this. Oh well, the ravages of old age, I suppose.

The pastors of the early Christian Church in Rome endeavoured to do away with the pagan element in these feasts by substituting the names of saints for those of maidens. And as the Lupercalia began about the middle of February, the pastors appear to have chosen Saint Valentine's Day for the celebration of this new feast. So it seems that the custom of young men choosing maidens for valentines, or saints as patrons for the coming year, arose in this way.

And there you have it! Some ridiculous Roman ritual + the brutal, murderous death and dismemberment of a priest = OUR HAPPY HOLIDAY!!

You see, friends, in this day and age it really is important for us to remember our history. Everything is so "in the moment" nowadays. We hustle and bustle about, never thinking of the days to come or the days gone by....horrible shortsightedness!

Take a moment to appreciate your past and plan for your future. If you do, the world will become a better place.

I appologize for my sappy lesson, here today.....I am such a romantic.....

Happy Valentine's Day!

Saturday, February 12, 2005

On the way...

My lastest installment of Attacking the NY Times Best Seller List is on the way, just as soon as Amazon.com gets their customer reviews section in order!

My God, Amazon! Don't you realize I am trying to CREATE here!

Our victim is John Grisham's pathetic drivel The Broker

Friday, February 04, 2005

You do realize...

that it is only a matter of months and the horrible Tom Cruise rendition of my classic War of the Worlds will be in theatres?

Do you know what this means? (Other than my classic being ripped to shreds by the likes of Steven Spielberg and his Hollywood cronies.)

What it means, my lovlies, is that I WILL BE THE MOST POPULAR CHAP AROUND!!

I only wish I had been back when The Time Machine came out! Either time!

Now some of you may be confused, since I have already expressed my distaste for both Cruise and Speilberg....but I figure it this way:

At this point, there is nothing I can do. The film is going to be made and it is going to mistreat my story in the interest of 2005 American movie-goers who can not be bothered with any of the pesky things people once enjoyed like reading or thinking. There is nothing I can do about this. However, the byproduct of this film will be my book sales increasing and my name being spoken all over the place...WHICH I THINK IS GREAT! Who doesn't want to be recognized.

Now if I could only prevent them from printing my book with Tom Cruise on the cover. I'm sure it will happen, which is a HUGE injustice considering they are changing the story so much in the film!

OK, I'm pissed off again!

DAMN YOU SPIELBERG!!!!