Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Tick...Tick...Tick...

As the clock counts down to the release of "War of the Worlds" - as interpreted by Hollywood morons, Steven Spielbergmanstein and starring "I've-Recently-Lost-My-Effin-Mind" Tom Cruise - I am driven to the highest points of rage, the lowest feelings of disrespect and a most bowel twisting feeling of nausea...which I believe was either caused by viewing the trailers for this film, or some questionable oysters...I'm not sure about that one.

I am not sure which is worse:
1) My novel will be "modernized",
2) My novel will be "edited for the screen" or
3) My novel will "Soon be re-released in paperback with photos of Tom Cruise on the cover" ...the WORST fate for any author's novel-to-film adaption!

LEAVE MY WORKS ALONE, YOU FILTHY PRICKS!

...well, it's too late for this one.

Anyone wanna get drunk with some hookers and see this film this weekend?

Screw it, it'll make 1 Jillion dollars with or without us...why not?

Damn.

Oh...and just for the record. I never intended for the main character in War of the Worlds to be a homosexual, nor a closet homosexual. Well, that's what they're getting at here, isn't it? Isn't that why they cast Tom Cruise? Bloody queer! (not that I dis-like homosexuals...just Tom.)

Comment of the day!

Allow me to present my Comment of the Day....if I may be so bold as to evaluate my own scribblings around the "World Wide Computer".

Over at GirlFriday, she posted the following:

Why can't somebody clever make all vegetables taste
like the potato? My nephew will not eat vegetables such as carrots, cabbage, beans, cauliflour...all the usual suspects, he'll eat potatoes though...he likes the taste. I expect there are lots of children and adults who are missing out on nutrients from vegetables because they dislike the taste so why can't the greater powers that be change the flavour of food that tastes like shit?

To which I posted:

At 12:07 AM, H G Wells said…
I once DID create a series of vegetables that tasted like more
desirable things...let me see...if I remember correctly they were:

carrots = chocolate
cabbage = prawn crisps
lima beans = soda pop

The list goes on and on. It would have been sucessful, yet upon further research
I found that the nutritional value of the foods was lost in the chemical transmorphocation
of it's flavor.

except peaches flavored to the taste of pussy...they kept their value.

I could never figure that out.

I'm sorry, what were we talking about?


...I've already been contacted by several grantors of fine awards for exceptional blog commenting (internet smut catagory)

This is why MY films get made into summer blockbusters....oh, drat...I'm in a bad mood again!

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Interestingly enough....

I recieved sexualy favors from both:

Anne Bancroft, actress best known as Mrs. Robinson in the film The Graduate. Who sadly passed away from cancer this past Monday.




as well as

Ann Bancroft, polar explorer....who looks like a man. What can I say....I was high on opiates and she offered it up while riding on the back of a dogsled!



....this did not turn out to be the eulogy to Anne Bancroft I had planned.

eh, screw it!

Happy Birthday- You Dead, Rotting Jackass!

In the late 1930's - not too long before I orchestrated my "disappearance"- I spent some time in Arizona at what was to become a mecca for art and achitecture.

At the time when I was there it was not much more than a complex of buildings in various states of construction and completion. This place would later be called "Taliesin West".

The young people there were amazing, intriguing. I could never understand why the had all fallen in with that awful Frank Llyod Wright!!

INSUFFERABLE PRICK!

Frankie Wright, you were a rotten old codger!!

Furthermore, your wife, Olgivanna....was a DOG! Yick! Phhheewww!

HOWEVER

You were a damn talented architect, you had vision and style....and I appreciate that. I can also appreciate you being such a douche to your assistants and contractors...sometimes it can be difficult to get others to help you create what they cannot understand.

So, HAPPY BIRTHDAY FRANKIE!




I hope the worms have gnawed your skull into the shape of the Guggenheim, you goddamn genius!

Whiskey-ed Away

Do not return from Scotland without at least 10 bottles of Scotch for me, Steve!

I know this young man will see plenty of fine scotches on his trip...just read a bit:

"If I take it according to plan I will be up the Great Glen Way (in the direction of Inverness) to Clunes, then inland and over to Glen Garry, then WNW to Glen Quoich then over to Glen Shiel. From there, N to Kililan and the Post Office/rail station at Strathcarrron - big supply point!"

In my opinion this might as well read:

"If I take it according to plan I will be up the Great Glen Way to SCOTCH, then inland and over to SCOTCH, then to SCOTCH. From there, SCOTCH SCOTCH AND SCOTCH - and the big supply point for SCOTCH!"

Hmmm....

I think I'll have a scotch.

Now where did I leave that decanteur last night?

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Oh Dear....

Friends,

The day of my beautiful written works being thrown to the world as a HORRIBLE Hollywood "Summer Blockbuster" grows more near by the hour....


....and that bloody-awful Tom Cruise just gets crazier and crazier.



I can only hope that this will cause the film to flop and I can avoid the treacherous public appearances!

Either way, I had Katie Holmes LONG before Tom ever considered....what am I talking about, HE'S GAY!!

Oh, Katie....you foolish little trollop! Batman Begins? ...what were you thinking!