H. G. Wells

For Now....

2006-02-22T06:41:00.000-08:00

Please continue to enjoy my past posts (although, for some they could be future post, I suppose) and I promise to return here in the near future.

With all of the technologies and social changes I have found here in the future, as many can tell, learning about all of these things has left me with very liitle time for idle blogging.

I know many of you enjoyed coming here and interacting with a legend such as myself...and I will return, this is not good bye. I just could not bring myself to lead you astray again with promises of lenghthy, frequent posts....there is just too much poontang for that, you see?

If it were possible to post a proper blog entry WHILE tasting of a 23 year old's sweet and juicies, then I would absolutely do that for you, friends.....but, alas, it is NOT possible. Trust me I have tried, you just end up with a keyboard covered in spunk.

Until my return......stay well friends! I will see you all soon.

Marty Van Buren can still kiss my liver-spotted ass!

Tom Cruise

2005-12-13T09:28:00.000-08:00

CAN SUCK MY TALLYWACKER!

HE CAN KISS MY GENTLEMANLY BUTTOX!

REALLY....YOU CAN TOM! I'LL ACTUALLY LET YOU DO IT.

I'M GLAD YOUR SHITTY RENDITION OF MY FILM FLOPPED...

AND FURTHERMORE, I'M GLAD THAT LITTLE SLUT KATIE HOLMES GOT MIXED UP WITH YOU....WHY?

BECAUSE ANY INVESTIGATOR WORTH HIS SALT KNOWS THAT KATIE WAS MESSING AROUND WITH SOME YOUNG MAN OVERSEAS SHORTLY BEFORE BECOMING ALLIGNED WITH YOU.....

....YES, JUST LONG ENOUGH AGO THAT THIS YOUNG MAN COULD BE THE FATHER OF THAT CHILD SHE CARRIES BEHIND HER PUFFY PINK DOODLEBOX (?) MMMM PUFFY PINK DOODLEBOX - NO! I WILL NOT BE DISTRACTED!

YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER OF THAT CHILD, MR. CRUISE - ADMIT IT!.....IT HAS ALREADY BEEN SHOW THAT YOU DID NOT FATHER CHILDREN WITH NICOLE OR THAT OTHER DINK YOU MARRIED BEFORE THAT...MIMI SOMETHING?

THOSE CHILDREN WERE ADOPTED! WE ALL KNOW IT!

SO KATIE HOLMES WILL BE THE HETEROSEXUAL DOWNFALL OF YOU MISTER CRUISE....BECAUSE ONCE THIS IS ALL OVER....IT WILL GET OUT THAT THAT SPAWN IS NOT YOURS....

AND THEN YOU WILL BE FORCE TO GROVEL FOR PENNIES AND PENIS.

My word....where did THAT come from? I agree with the content...the form leaves a little to be desired......and groveling for pennies and penis? Hmmmm.....that's gross.

Tom call me when you are ready to kiss my wrinkled ass bag.

It's the Tits!

2005-12-13T09:11:00.000-08:00

I have not been here since September? Could this be POSSIBLE?

Well, I can not say that anything has happened in the long interm period between then and now. I have really done nothing over these past few months...perhaps even all year.

It seems my passion for things such as blogging, getting (as you youngsters call it) "bombed" and having a dainty persian girl wearing traditional garb and spike heels stand on my scrotum while I lick whipped cream from her sister's ample busom as the smell of warm apple pie rises up from the bedside, I am wearing my favorite robe, the one with the leafy pattern, the girls look knowingly at each other as I reach into the nightstand drawer and produce a tube of almond paste, an instant camera and a small tacking hammer....good God, I've distracted myself from the point here. Ah yes, these things that started my year off with a figurative "bang" seem to have wandered from my interests....

I really should not have posted this....it makes me seem like a sad old man.

>sigh< style="font-weight: bold;">FOR I HAVE A PLAN GOING INTO THE YEAR 2006!

LOOK OUT PEOPLE......

MISTER WELLS HAS RETURNED!!

Provided I don't have any flare ups with those "sores"....

Recovery

2005-09-22T04:09:00.000-07:00

Good Lord! Oh my!

What did I drink last night? My head his POUNDING...and I'm still drunk.

(closing drapes)

I would recap my birthday celebrations from last night...but I can barely see the keybaord through this half drunk/half ill fog.

Let me just say this....Booze, Babes and chocolate fondue "body shots"

I.....I.......I am so tired.........and possibly about to be physically ill.

Happy 139, Wellsie!

Damn, we're not going to make it to 6 in tha mo-nin' ladiees.....

Memories...

2005-09-14T18:12:00.000-07:00

Aaaahhhh.....those were the days!

...and only a short while ago.

Although, everything is "only a short while ago" for me.

Where has my time gone...I feel so old and feeble now. Feelings I never thought I would have, even at the age of 138 years.

Perhaps my mood has been depressed by my up coming birthday celebration.
(Make note ladies: Sept. 21st, bumping par-ty at the Wells' estate! Til 6 in the MO-nin'!! )

You know, 139 is only one away from the "Big 4-0".....140.

You would think that by my age, I would have learned something....

this introspection is killing me.

Where is my bottle of Boodles? Boodle of bottles. Bottles of oodles. Oodles of Noodles.

Damn.

2005-09-10T19:36:00.000-07:00

Well, now I question what is to be accomplished by my attendance at this denim event.

...since just the thought of it roused my stupendous head and set forth a release worthy of a three shilling harlot!!

God damn this old age.

"Denim on Denim"

2005-09-10T19:15:00.000-07:00

Party tonight...

I do believe it will be quite erotic. Denim clad asses fronted by denim bras with bursting mounds!

Cold Drinks, Hot Bitches.

Wells is gonna git his SWERVE ON!

Look out......

Things are HEATING UP!

2005-08-09T15:39:00.000-07:00

I had NO idea things were so wild and sexy at the beach in this century! I had heard stories...Hedonism, Girls Gone Awry (is that the name?), Gastineau Girls...but what I found was more than I every would believe!

I recently came across these young ladies while out for a stroll.

Suffice it to say, I had a somewhat difficult time keeping my plenpotentiary instrument from cleaving each and every gateway to the halls of pleasure!

Although, I must admit, I mouthed almost every ruby-tipped globe that came within my rapturous grasp!

I am a naughty one!

A thought from the parlour.....

2005-07-26T09:09:00.000-07:00

Now that this War of the Worlds fiasco is behind us, we can get back to the real focus of living in the Year 2005...Booty.

The summer is nearly half over and we have yet to talk about the sundress-clad persian girls, juggy joggers and the butt-ass nekid sunbathers!

I intend to launch a full investingation of these young ladies and their goings-ons!

I shall leave no stone unturned, no nipple un-pinched, no heinie un-slapped, no nether-region un-probed by phallus or at least a mere digit!

Why am I lazing about in the parlour?

OFF TO THE BEACH WITH ME!!

Tick...Tick...Tick...

2005-06-21T19:38:00.000-07:00

As the clock counts down to the release of "War of the Worlds" - as interpreted by Hollywood morons, Steven Spielbergmanstein and starring "I've-Recently-Lost-My-Effin-Mind" Tom Cruise - I am driven to the highest points of rage, the lowest feelings of disrespect and a most bowel twisting feeling of nausea...which I believe was either caused by viewing the trailers for this film, or some questionable oysters...I'm not sure about that one.

I am not sure which is worse:
1) My novel will be "modernized",
2) My novel will be "edited for the screen" or
3) My novel will "Soon be re-released in paperback with photos of Tom Cruise on the cover" ...the WORST fate for any author's novel-to-film adaption!

LEAVE MY WORKS ALONE, YOU FILTHY PRICKS!

...well, it's too late for this one.

Anyone wanna get drunk with some hookers and see this film this weekend?

Screw it, it'll make 1 Jillion dollars with or without us...why not?

Damn.

Oh...and just for the record. I never intended for the main character in War of the Worlds to be a homosexual, nor a closet homosexual. Well, that's what they're getting at here, isn't it? Isn't that why they cast Tom Cruise? Bloody queer! (not that I dis-like homosexuals...just Tom.)

Comment of the day!

2005-06-21T16:07:00.000-07:00

Allow me to present my Comment of the Day....if I may be so bold as to evaluate my own scribblings around the "World Wide Computer".

Over at GirlFriday, she posted the following:

Why can't somebody clever make all vegetables taste
like the potato? My nephew will not eat vegetables such as carrots, cabbage, beans, cauliflour...all the usual suspects, he'll eat potatoes though...he likes the taste. I expect there are lots of children and adults who are missing out on nutrients from vegetables because they dislike the taste so why can't the greater powers that be change the flavour of food that tastes like shit?

To which I posted:

At 12:07 AM, H G Wells said…
I once DID create a series of vegetables that tasted like more
desirable things...let me see...if I remember correctly they were:

carrots = chocolate
cabbage = prawn crisps
lima beans = soda pop

The list goes on and on. It would have been sucessful, yet upon further research
I found that the nutritional value of the foods was lost in the chemical transmorphocation
of it's flavor.

except peaches flavored to the taste of pussy...they kept their value.

I could never figure that out.

I'm sorry, what were we talking about?

...I've already been contacted by several grantors of fine awards for exceptional blog commenting (internet smut catagory)

This is why MY films get made into summer blockbusters....oh, drat...I'm in a bad mood again!

Interestingly enough....

2005-06-08T11:10:00.000-07:00

I recieved sexualy favors from both:

Anne Bancroft, actress best known as Mrs. Robinson in the film The Graduate. Who sadly passed away from cancer this past Monday.

as well as

Ann Bancroft, polar explorer....who looks like a man. What can I say....I was high on opiates and she offered it up while riding on the back of a dogsled!

....this did not turn out to be the eulogy to Anne Bancroft I had planned.

eh, screw it!

Happy Birthday- You Dead, Rotting Jackass!

2005-06-08T09:38:00.000-07:00

In the late 1930's - not too long before I orchestrated my "disappearance"- I spent some time in Arizona at what was to become a mecca for art and achitecture.

At the time when I was there it was not much more than a complex of buildings in various states of construction and completion. This place would later be called "Taliesin West".

The young people there were amazing, intriguing. I could never understand why the had all fallen in with that awful Frank Llyod Wright!!

INSUFFERABLE PRICK!

Frankie Wright, you were a rotten old codger!!

Furthermore, your wife, Olgivanna....was a DOG! Yick! Phhheewww!

HOWEVER

You were a damn talented architect, you had vision and style....and I appreciate that. I can also appreciate you being such a douche to your assistants and contractors...sometimes it can be difficult to get others to help you create what they cannot understand.

So, HAPPY BIRTHDAY FRANKIE!

I hope the worms have gnawed your skull into the shape of the Guggenheim, you goddamn genius!

Whiskey-ed Away

2005-06-08T06:35:00.000-07:00

Do not return from Scotland without at least 10 bottles of Scotch for me, Steve!

I know this young man will see plenty of fine scotches on his trip...just read a bit:

"If I take it according to plan I will be up the Great Glen Way (in the direction of Inverness) to Clunes, then inland and over to Glen Garry, then WNW to Glen Quoich then over to Glen Shiel. From there, N to Kililan and the Post Office/rail station at Strathcarrron - big supply point!"

In my opinion this might as well read:

"If I take it according to plan I will be up the Great Glen Way to SCOTCH, then inland and over to SCOTCH, then to SCOTCH. From there, SCOTCH SCOTCH AND SCOTCH - and the big supply point for SCOTCH!"

Hmmm....

I think I'll have a scotch.

Now where did I leave that decanteur last night?

Oh Dear....

2005-06-07T00:02:00.000-07:00

Friends,

The day of my beautiful written works being thrown to the world as a HORRIBLE Hollywood "Summer Blockbuster" grows more near by the hour....

....and that bloody-awful Tom Cruise just gets crazier and crazier.

I can only hope that this will cause the film to flop and I can avoid the treacherous public appearances!

Either way, I had Katie Holmes LONG before Tom ever considered....what am I talking about, HE'S GAY!!

Oh, Katie....you foolish little trollop! Batman Begins? ...what were you thinking!

More Bizarre findings...

2005-04-25T21:22:00.000-07:00

Well, for those of you who have been with my little blog for a while, I am back to touring this fantastical land called the internet!

In fact, I came across this sketch from a fanatic of my blog!

Now, mind you, I cannot support this in any way for several reasons.

Mainly because the person in this sketch is clearly insane...so we can only assume that the person who drew it feels much the same. Eh?

Furthermore, friend, if you are going to scribble something on a protest sign there are 2 simple rules that should be followed:

1) It should, at least, be some kind of intelligent phrase.
2) It must fit within the physical confines of the sign.

DUH!!!

Really...if this is the best my "fans" can do, we'll NEVER take over the free world.

....er.....not that I had any plans.....

Since I've been away...

2005-04-20T04:06:00.000-07:00

I bet you've missed my silly non sequiturs....so......

Here's a snap I recently took on a trip to Belize.

I call it "Frenchie soldiers attack an acorn."

I was drawn to visit Belize because of a young lady who had promised me her virginity as well as a portion of her father's weath. Don't ask, it ain't easy being a 104 year old pimp daddy, exta funds never hurt!

Well, as it turns out this family had a young son with a great interest in Napoleon and his battles. This idiot boy would spend HOURS lining up little tin soldiers, recreating battles.

I love floor games such as this....but I had to kick the kid's ass.

He was a punk-ass.

Some people just refuse to believe, but it's true...

2005-03-28T19:27:00.000-08:00

Apparently, Michael Jackson IS a child fucker!

Oh, goodness. I've just given it away, haven't I?

I am TERRIBLY SORRY.

I must remeber to be more careful....

Good Evening...

2005-03-16T00:05:00.000-08:00

..I am having quite the good evening, and yourselves? I thought so, wonderful!

I am spending my after-hours with the nicest young woman. "After-what-hours", you ask? Well these are my after-writing, after-cocktails, after-dinner, after-desert, after-nightcaps,
after-the-first-date-is-over-let's-get-on-to-the-next-one hours!!

Of course, these types of things have fallen out of fashion with you youngsters!! All of the pleasures I enjoyed as a young man like singing parlour songs, dancing a waltz and having unprotected sex with multiple female partners all at the same time without fear of infection or disease...
*sigh*
...these things are no longer the interests of you generation.

Now you want to be "hip" and "kick it with your homies" and "Ima tell you, dis muthfucka bess check hisself! Wells gonna roll up any minnit now! Wells don't mess around. Yall stupit ass crunk niggaz! Damn, yo...fo real. " and things of that nature.

Well, rather than get into a deep discussion of fads and language trends, I will leave you with this before I retire to my bed to enjoy the remainder of this evening....

I am going to ravage this young lady without remorse! Her 22 year old body will not KNOW what hit it! OH, and I WILL BE HITTIN' IT THIS EVENING!!! When she leaves here, she will barely be able to walk...

...and I plan on using nothing other that my tongue, BITCHES.

SAY WORD.

While "surfing"...

2005-03-08T12:00:00.000-08:00

I came across this:

September 23rd, 2003, 12:09 PM

Archren said:

I have to admit that Jules Verne has that special place in my heart, since he wrote some of the first SciFi that I ever read. However, objectively, I think that Wells really did more for the genre. I would say that his most important contribution was using it for social critique and examination, which has been a huge theme ever since.

Bite me, Vernians!

Granted, I have no idea who this "Archren" person is....for the moment, let's presume he/she is a genius with a PhD in literary criticism....not some zit-faced teen wearing a Dr. Who t-shirt.

UGH!

2005-03-03T18:53:00.000-08:00

I DO DETEST old age!

After polishing off an entire block of Authentic Greek Feta, I am bound up like a train derailed in a tunnel!

However, if i finish off this $2000. bottle of Chateau Mouton 1834 I'm sure I'll feel much better.

Note for the Gents:

Ladies LOVE a man that can pick out a nice Feta cheese. The trick is that it cannot be TOO salty! Look for Feta that has not been packed in liquid, either water or salt water. You have women dripping off of you...and they won't even care that you smell like feet!

Great Mood!

2005-02-24T09:37:00.000-08:00

Ah I am in a great mood this morning!

I had a lovely evening with a young Myrna Loy!

Ah, the year was 1925...she was a mere 20 years old, such a darling.....I do love my ability to travel though time!

For the first time, last night, I visited her without that awful Rudy Valentino coming around! He is such an ass! Three times I have been with Myrna and that persistant Valentino tries to muck things up for me. I never let it get me too hot under the collar, though. After all, he doesn't know it, but peritonitis will be bringing him to his knees by August of '26...so screw him! So much for you, "Son of the Sheik", you sorry bastard.

I do wonder, was it a weak kidney or liver that caused his peritonitis? Either way, that man had no intestinal fortitude!! Ah ha ha ha... what a crack!

Nevertheless, my evening with Myrna was extraordinary!

I won't be kneeding (*wink) that nurse-maid anymore!

Damned if

2005-02-22T16:44:00.000-08:00

that burning sensation "down below" hasn't returned!

I thought this was passed months ago!

Before the problem was different. I was always running to the toilet and when I get there nothing would happen, I would wait for a few minutes before I would get a BURNING trickle of urine. After which the sensation would go, but then it tended to return about 20 minutes later. This cycle of urinating and waiting might last up to a few hours and then everything would return to normal for a day or so, until the sensation starts again.

I visited the doctor and had various tests done and found that I had not contracted anything, but the doctor did say that he used to have the same problem and it would come and go now and again just like what was happening to me at that time.

He said after a while he started to get the sensation to urinate more frequently than normal, so he started to go to the toilet when he needed to and stopped holding it in. Then, after a week or so the sensations and burning pain stopped completely and now he’s fine. However, I told him I don't generally hold back or wait when I feel the need to uninate.

We were miffed, and then the problem just disappeared.

However, now the problem is back...and a bit different....

Recently, after urination, I have a feeling that there is something in my penis. I slowly start to rub my penis to get whatever this liquid is out (extra urine?). I get a strange feeling when I perform this action, and if I continue rubbing, there is a rapid discharge of a milky substance. I enjoy this feeling very much, but I'm wondering if there's something wrong with me.

I have recently hired a nurse-maid to assist me until I figure out exactly what is the problem. She is a lovely young lady who is very anxious to...help out.

I am terribly sorry. This might be the most disturbed post I have made yet!

(Come on, dear readers, I had to write something to keep that nurse-maid around!)

Today's Discovery...

2005-02-21T00:40:00.000-08:00

It seems the The World Transhumanist Association , of which I have never heard, has been giving out an award bearing MY name for some time now. While giving an award in my honor is not something which I find particualrly distasteful, this organization's disgression is a little off. Please, let me explain...

Read the official article here

First off, look at this chap.

Aubrey looks like Verne, both major geeks if you ask me.

He looks like Jules Verne on LSD! My GOD!

Why not give him the "Jules Verne Hippy Lookalike Award" and call it a day!

His name is Aubrey de Grey, and he is an actual Ph.D. in something. Based upon his work I would guess Biogerontology....can you be a doctor of Biogerontology? I suppose you can, Aubrey is.

Among Aubrey's credits you will find that he scientist who coined the term “strategies for engineered negligible senescence” (or SENS) AND THANK GOD FOR THAT!!

I have been running around for the past few years shouting “Strategies for engineered negligible senescence THIS!" and “Strategies for engineered negligible senescence THAT!” and "You motherfuckers don't know nuthin' bout pimpin' and you don't know nuthin' bout strategies for engineered negligible senescence...BITCHES!” Yet, I had NO idea this was thanks to Aubrey de Grey and all of his research. So now I can credit him.

Actually, after reviewing Mr. Aubrey de Grey's works and credits, the WORST I can say about him is the Jules Verne comparison. Which he should take as a HORRIBLE INSULT!!

As far as this bizarre World Transhumanist Association, their work appears to be genuine and ethical, so I will support the award they have named for me.

But if they give that award to one more person that looks like Jules Verne, I will cause some heads to roll!!!

Past winners have been (click on photo to read captions):

I can understand a few of these, based on merit, but it's pretty clear they are only picking Verne lookalikes to get my goat!!

...with the exception of Cedric, he's ma Homeboy! You go, Ced!!!

Call me old fashioned

2005-02-18T10:00:00.000-08:00

but I just came across a young American lady's blog wherein she writes pornographic stories!

While this is tantalizing, my mind was halted when I realized she was writing these lewd stories

WHILE ATTENDING HIGH SCHOOL "STUDY HALL"!!

At what point did it become acceptable for students in America to take time out from their studies to
1) use a computer for recreational activities such as blogging?
2) blogging pornographic materials while attending school
3) BAH! Forget the listings....

Everything About this IS WRONG!!

...call me old fashioned.

Pardon me....

2005-02-16T19:30:00.000-08:00

young man, what day is this?

Ah, Christmas!! I did not miss it!

Wah...huh?

Oh....oh god!

I was having that awful Charles Dickens dream again!

What is the hullabaloo?

2005-02-16T15:49:00.000-08:00

What is all this frantic talk of youngsters "Robotripping"?

This has been going on for YEARS!!

In fact, just in my lifetime I have Robotripped, Dayquiltripped, Bromidtripped, Phosphoroustripped, I even once tripped on sour milk with a young man who was a student of Louis Pasteur!

I just don't see why the news outlets believe we should be concerned for our children over this...

...they should be warning us about the dangers of watching that awful Ashlee Simpson!

Experienced Bloggers...

2005-02-15T14:08:00.000-08:00

Why do our fellow Bloggers, typically the new ones, tend to leave out-of-context comments on our blogs...simply because we have posted on their blogs?

Our original post was in-context...so why not stick with the trend?

Furthermore, an out-of-context comment on my blog pertaining to a comment I left on a different blog is USELESS to MY readership!!! Just leave the comment on YOU OWN BLOG...DON'T WORRY, I'LL BE BACK....I'LL SEE IT.

My goodness!!

(also, this should not reflect poorly on the "bee person" who commented on yesterday's post, however she did set this thought off in my mind.)

Valentine's Day

2005-02-14T12:19:00.000-08:00

Ah, yes. Valentine's Day!

Happy Valentine's Day....ladies. Ol' H.G. has a heart-shaped box of candy for every one of you with a heart-shaped ass.

For those of you who don't know, or have forgotten, every holiday has some historic, religious or otherwise meaningful signifigance...other that blatant consumerism. Valentine's Day is no different!

Therefore, please allow me to regail you with

The Story of St. Valentine's Day!!

Let us begin.

One February evening in North Chicago, seven well-dressed men were found riddled with bullets inside the S.M.C Cartage Co. garage. They had been lined up against a wall, with their backs to their executioners and shot to death. With the exception of Dr. Reinhardt H. Schwimmer these men were mobsters working under the leadership of gangster and bootlegger, "Bugs" Moran. Within a few seconds, while staring at a bare brick wall, these seven men had become a part of Valentine's Day history

....wait just a moment. I'm terribly sorry!! That was the St. Valentine's Day Massacre, a rather brutal story, albeit pertinant, to be telling on such a festive day of love.

Please, allow me to begin again....

The Story of St. Valentine's Day!!

Valentine's Day started in the time of the Roman Empire. In ancient Rome, February 14th was a holiday to honour Juno. Juno was the Queen of the Roman Gods and Goddesses, and believe me she was a hot piece of poon! I know, I've been back that way. The Romans also knew her as the Goddess of women and marriage, but more importantly she was hot. The following day, February 15th, began the Feast of Lupercalia.

The lives of young boys and girls were strictly separate back then. However, one of the customs of the young people was "name drawing". On the eve of the festival of Lupercalia the names of Roman girls were written on slips of paper and placed into jars. Each young man would draw a girl's name from the jar and would then be partners for the duration of the festival with the girl whom he chose. In general this was a way for young men to get some random sex. Later, in the 1970's we renamed this concept "the Key Party" and used car keys instead of slips of paper. But I digress, we are talking of love and Valentine's Day...

Under the rule of Emperor Claudius II Rome was involved in many bloody and unpopular campaigns, depending on who you talk to. Claudius the Cruel was having a difficult time getting soldiers to join his military leagues. He believed that the reason was that roman men did not want to leave their loves or families. As a result, Claudius cancelled all marriages and engagements in Rome. The good Saint Valentine was a priest at Rome in the days of Claudius II. He and Saint Marius aided the Christian martyrs and secretly married couples, and for this kind deed Saint Valentine was apprehended and dragged before the Prefect of Rome, who condemned him to be beaten to death with clubs and to have his head cut off. He suffered martyrdom on the 14th day of February, about the year 270. At that time it was the custom in Rome, a very ancient custom, indeed, to celebrate in the month of February the Lupercalia, feasts in honour of a heathen god. On these occasions, amidst a variety of pagan ceremonies, the names of young women were placed in a box, from which they were drawn by the men as chance directed...wait. I've already mentioned this. Oh well, the ravages of old age, I suppose.

The pastors of the early Christian Church in Rome endeavoured to do away with the pagan element in these feasts by substituting the names of saints for those of maidens. And as the Lupercalia began about the middle of February, the pastors appear to have chosen Saint Valentine's Day for the celebration of this new feast. So it seems that the custom of young men choosing maidens for valentines, or saints as patrons for the coming year, arose in this way.

And there you have it! Some ridiculous Roman ritual + the brutal, murderous death and dismemberment of a priest = OUR HAPPY HOLIDAY!!

You see, friends, in this day and age it really is important for us to remember our history. Everything is so "in the moment" nowadays. We hustle and bustle about, never thinking of the days to come or the days gone by....horrible shortsightedness!

Take a moment to appreciate your past and plan for your future. If you do, the world will become a better place.

I appologize for my sappy lesson, here today.....I am such a romantic.....

Happy Valentine's Day!

On the way...

2005-02-12T11:32:00.000-08:00

My lastest installment of Attacking the NY Times Best Seller List is on the way, just as soon as Amazon.com gets their customer reviews section in order!

My God, Amazon! Don't you realize I am trying to CREATE here!

Our victim is John Grisham's pathetic drivel The Broker

You do realize...

2005-02-04T09:23:00.000-08:00

that it is only a matter of months and the horrible Tom Cruise rendition of my classic War of the Worlds will be in theatres?

Do you know what this means? (Other than my classic being ripped to shreds by the likes of Steven Spielberg and his Hollywood cronies.)

What it means, my lovlies, is that I WILL BE THE MOST POPULAR CHAP AROUND!!

I only wish I had been back when The Time Machine came out! Either time!

Now some of you may be confused, since I have already expressed my distaste for both Cruise and Speilberg....but I figure it this way:

At this point, there is nothing I can do. The film is going to be made and it is going to mistreat my story in the interest of 2005 American movie-goers who can not be bothered with any of the pesky things people once enjoyed like reading or thinking. There is nothing I can do about this. However, the byproduct of this film will be my book sales increasing and my name being spoken all over the place...WHICH I THINK IS GREAT! Who doesn't want to be recognized.

Now if I could only prevent them from printing my book with Tom Cruise on the cover. I'm sure it will happen, which is a HUGE injustice considering they are changing the story so much in the film!

OK, I'm pissed off again!

DAMN YOU SPIELBERG!!!!

Popping in to say Cheers!

2005-01-14T15:54:00.000-08:00

I have extended my stay in London for another few weeks. I certainly hope you are all getting along without me.

Seeing the places of my youth is a wonderful experience. I might even make a trek here in 2005, simply to enjoy all that has changed. In the 1800's we didn't have the asian girls trolling singles websites in internet cafes!! I'd quite like to see that! I've been spending too much time aound you Americans!

Do say hello to everyone for me. I'll be back soon enough!

- Your friend, H.G.

Tsunami

2005-01-03T21:51:00.000-08:00

The wild effects of the Tsunami have me truly shaken, friends.

I have contacted our dear friend Akshay in India for an accurate update and I hope if he reads this he will post a comment with up to the minute information.

In the interest of our world community, we should do what we can!

Akshay, I am gladdened to hear that you are safe!

More on my holiday adventures will follow.

Good Day, Friends!

2004-12-22T15:53:00.000-08:00

Well, Christmas is upon us, a time for Joy and Merriment!

I hope all of you have lovely families and friends to spend time with this holiday season.

I will be leaving on December 24th and heading back to the year 1876. I was but a mere lad of ten years then, and I would like to again see the decorations and hustle and bustle of Bromley High Street.

I have never returned to these days of my youth, but now I feel a deep seeded desire to see my earliest haunts. I am excited to see these people and places, once more!

And so, I must prepare! I will be going under the pseudonym "Lord Evard Von Halen", this time, as I feel the need to change things up now and again.

Wish me luck, I shall return in a matter of days!

Merry Christmas, and please join me after the holiday! I look forward to regailing you with my adventures!!

Ha Ha Ha!

2004-12-18T12:47:00.000-08:00

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Get loaded, friends!

Drink it up!!

Wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwoooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mister Wells is having a GRAND OL' TIME!!!

On the Attack!

2004-12-17T19:09:00.000-08:00

It seems I am the last bastion of good taste when it comes to novels these days, therefore I am creating a new feature on this blog!

Attacking The
NY Times Best Sellers List!

To kick off this new feature, I visited Amazon.com earlier this evening and posted an open letter to Mr. Mitch Albom.

Mitch Albom, known by his friends as "completely lost in the world", "stumbling through life" and " Stinkpits Albom", is the author of The Five People You Meet In Heaven. TFPYMIH is currently #1 on the Hardcover Fiction list with the NY Times.

His standing on this list means that he is my Public Enemy #1. As required by the sensible rules I have set up for this feature I have: 1) read his awful book, which made me wretch, and I have 2) PUBICLY reviewed it.

So without further ado, please navigate over to my review at Amazon.com entitled

Take It From Me, This Book Stinks Worse Than Morlock Dung!

You may need to scroll down to find it, enjoy!

( once Amazon moves my review along, you will still find it here )

Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date!

2004-12-17T18:42:00.000-08:00

As for me?

I'll be enjoying cocktails this evening at a Gentleman's Club!

Well worth the price of admission, I'm sure.

Repost of an opinion...

2004-12-15T20:11:00.000-08:00

While visiting The Head this evening, I expressed some rather strong opinions on Charles Dickens holiday novel A Christmas Carol. I would like to now re-post those comments, since I find myself often losing interesting bits of written materials into the vast world of other blogs comment sections. Please, feel free to comment and converse!

At 7:10 PM, H G Wells said...

Head,
I would like to take a moment to address something which is brought to my attention every year at this time, yet I have held my tounge in commenting on it for many years...

Head, in this post you made reference to "Scrooge", as we all know, this refers to Charles Dickens Christmas-time novel A Christmas Carol Over the years, Dickens classic novel (HARDLY!) has become somewhat of a hallmark of this holiday season. It is this of which I take unbrage.I will not fill these precious pages with my opinions of Dickens works or character, after all, he was just an old coot when I was a young lad, but let me say this:

CHARLES DICKENS HATED CHRISTMAS!

Just read his dedication from any original, unedited text of that heralded holiday hardcover...

"I have endeavoured in this Ghostly little book, to raise the Ghost of an Idea, which shall put my readers out of humour with themselves,with each other, with the season, and with me.May it haunt their houses pleasantly, and no one wish to lay it.
Their faithful Friend and Servant, C. D."

That says it all.

Charles Dickens, up yours!

(I am terribly sorry for using so much space.)
-H.G.

Works in progress...

2004-12-13T21:19:00.000-08:00

Since my return I have been pursued by, not just hotties, but several publishers as well, virtually DOZENS of offers have come across my roll-top desk.

I was enjoying myself so much, that for a time I had turned down these offers....but just over two months ago I took on the task of not only one book, but seven! These works were ligitimately written in these past 3 months (no time-travel hijinks) however I did request a bit of assistance from a few friends, and Jesus wrote a forward for me...yet that was after the texts had been completed.

I figured I would challenge myself and write 7 books in only three months...and now my three months are coming to a close.

So without further ado, I present my 7 publications due for 2005:

Weird and Wacky Plants of the American Northwest: A Guide
-H.G. Wells

The Art of Spanking: A Pop-Up Book
-H.G. Wells with artwork by Richard Kern

The Miracle of the Loaves and Fishes Why Christianity is Totally Gay
- H.G. Wells (forward by Jesus)

Switcheroo How to Get Anal Despite Her Protesting
- H.G. Wells with Tera Patrick

Oscar Wilde's Night of Golden Showers, and Other Disasters
-a historical text by H.G. Wells

Wild Nights with Emily Dickinson
- H.G. Wells

War of the Worlds Part II: The Bush Years
- H.G. Wells with former Bush cabinet members

Please look for these titles in your local book shop and online!!

In response...

2004-11-17T18:56:00.000-08:00

So, you are all asking yourselves

"Why does Wellsy pop up and post some thoughts, and then disappear for days or weeks on end?"

and

"He used to post so frequently, what happened?"

The answer to this is....THIS BLOODY BLOGGER IS DRIVING ME MAD!!

I have written post after post for your enjoyment, only to find them GONE upon "publishing".

THIS is media censorship on the part of the Bush administration.

They will not tolerate my words of dissent.

All I will say to that is....FINE, GEORGE! YOU ARE DOING A PERFECT JOB OF BOTCHING THE WHOLE LOT WITHOUT MY TAUNTING!!

Russia is making a comeback, Rice replaces Powell, Highschool shootings, Iran is getting riled up,FCC forced to make a ruling on some tart in a towel...only because they have set silly standards, ilegal immigrants to be legalized and K-mart and Sears joing up for more outsourcing (to ensure jobs for all those illegals.....er....well.....you see....hmmm. damn.)

I have ladies to attend to......beg pardon.

Recent Events

2004-11-12T10:29:00.000-08:00

Hello, good people.

Let me begin by apologizing for the election and it's outcome. I have considered taking a trip to change the results, but alas fiddling with time can be a dangerous thing. Of course, you've seen me make a change here or there, change the outcome of a poorly executed pick-up line...something of that sort, but world politics is far more sensitive than the feelings of some bar crawling harlot. So changing the election is right out.
I'm quite excited to see what happens in the next four years.....but then again, I can leave and enjoy life in another place and time. You, my dearies, are quite screwed under the rule of the blubbering King Bush. After all of that 51% of you Americans STILL voted for the anti-science, anti-women's rights, anti-education, anti-environment, anti-"anything that don't come to me in a prayer or from God directly"....I could certainly go on, but it would end in us all crying and throwing up.

So, you had your chance America and YOU ROYALLY FUCKED UP!

Good luck with the village idiot as your President, AGAIN!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I don't mean to suddenly turn on all of you....but I am SHOCKED that 51% of you are Bible thumpers completely blind to the world around you...by choice.

Please make no mistake! I am religious myself, but this Bush chap is the Christian version of bin Laden! You Americans are all seup to have his bunch of religious extremeists run your country straight into a mess of religious wars and eventually leave you with nothing but a smoking, blackened crater where the USA once stood.

MARK MY WORDS! BUSH IS ALREADY SETTING IT UP FOR 2008. EITHER:

CHENEY WILL RESIGN IN 2 YEARS AND THEY WILL BRING IN A REPLACEMENT - WHO WILL THEN BE SHOPPED FOR THE 2008 PRESIDENCY.
OR
THE ELECTION WILL BE RIGGED...FOR A THIRD TIME.
(BECAUSE, LETS BE HONEST, NON OF YOU ACTUALLY VOTED FOR HIM!)

I have a bit more to say on this subject...but at the moment I am pressed for time.

Also, I have spend a substancial amount of time away from this blog recently, and I apologize for this...but I assure you, the story is worth reading.

I will post more as soon as my obligations release me!!

Revelation!

2004-10-27T17:55:00.000-07:00

After a couple weeks in Italy and some strong soul searching, I have come to a decision that was VERY hard to make, my young friends.....

I am an old man. As I was repairing the time machine after my most recent adventures, I truly realized this. While I can play with the wheel of time, spinning it forward and back, I cannot change my place. I add years to my life as do for any chap...even though,at times, I have slowed the process. Perhaps I should have never meddled with that New Accelerator....that did shave a few years off. But I believe you all understand this.....I am an old man.

That said, I am a young man. At heart...in the pants...in the bar...at a swanky cocktail party...I am a young man. I am having the time of my life, I have a strong pimp hand and, clearly, a fine following here and at other sites. I am surrounded by friends, old and new (nod to the Head) and things are only getting better! I am the oldest young man you have ever met!

That said...I cannot continue my run for president. Frankly, it will kill my pimpin' lifestyle and I calculate I will have to cut my drinking by AT LEAST half.....these things I cannot do.

Head, I am sorry, but I think you will agree with my reasons listed. We don't need the headache.

Instead, we can make change and influence our governments and power-brokers through time travel and boozing.....

Just Kidding, People!

Do you think I would honestly drop out of this race?? NEVER!!

I am the only candidate that has it goin' on! Bush, horrid! Kerry, better...but awful!

....and Nader....well......um.......wait one moment. Nader is running... again? BAH! Rubbish!

These past few weeks I have been out on the campaign trail in the mid-west ( you know, the "flyover" states) Let me say, these bloody fools know nothing! Ooops.....

I mean....the midwesterners are some of the finest people in this country. They are the farmers and the farmers-daughters. Just the other day, I was in the loft of a bar getting a "tour" from on particular young lady....well, I'm rambling here......

November 2nd is Tuesday of next week....I EXPECT YOUR VOTE.....damn, did it again.....

I NEED YOUR VOTES, MY FRIENDS!

In the event that you are coming into this race late, I urge you to go back and read the past few months of posts....

WELLS / HEAD 04

Are you still with me!!!?!!

.....I certainly hope so! Otherwise I'm rather screwed, aren't I......

Home!

2004-10-20T06:05:00.000-07:00

Wooooooooaaaaaaaaaah, Nellie! Christ on the Cross!! I NEARLY PERISHED!!

After two days of tinkering and testing, this cumbrous beast of a machine quite nearly shaved my bits off!!

Look at that thing....well, carefully. Look very carefully. Hurts your eyes, doesn't it?

It's cooling now.......good god, it's a wonder I made it.........

Ahh.....even cooler still. Soon we'll be able to take a good look, and I'll get to inspect this motley wreckage! I do wonder what went wrong!

There we are.....my goodness! It looks hopelessly irrecoverable!

Ah, well. I'll have it up to speed in no time...and then it will be.... GO TIME!

Good to be back! Although my rough re-entry into this time not only left my machine in ruins, but one of my spiffier suits is just torn to rags! ....it was somewhat of an ostentatious get-up. Perhaps it's for the best. I'm glad my goggles didn't melt to my face, that would DEFINATELY put a crimp in my style with the ladies! It is interesting that I arrived only one minute after my early morning e-mail transmission. Something curious is going on with the time waves.

Here's what I'm going to do. I'll clean up, get this wreckage off to a safe place where I can work on it, and I'll be right back here for a bit of blogging....and tea!

Yes, we'll have a nice tea together.

Also, it is nearing election time, and I cannot fiddle around any more. If I am to sweep this thing I need to get on the stick!!

Ut Oh.

2004-10-20T06:04:00.000-07:00

It seems thta this machinne is not wrkning properyl.

It has ben two dayss and I am stil hving some probllems.

Fear not, my frends! Old Wellsy wil fgure it out in due tme!

Expect m retrn in a day or so

Fearr not....

Big Bidness

2004-10-16T09:25:00.000-07:00

Mr. Akshay has brought up the toipc of big business, of which I have alot to say about.

However, I am wrapping up a weekend in Italy in the year 1947, July to be exact. It's nice here on the coast. You'd never know the second world war just ended a few short years ago.

I felt the need to get away from the stressors of life and relax a bit. I will be back in your time early Monday afternoon on the 18th of October 2004.

How am I posting, you ask? Thanks to a small device called the "Time Relay Router" Basically, this is a device between my time machine and my area of blogspace. I can e-mail and post with out too much trouble.

In closing, keep up the good work, whatevr that maybe.

We'll speak of big business on Monday!

Hope you are all well!

UGH!

2004-10-15T01:18:00.000-07:00

This campaigning is giving me lots of reasons for complaining!!

Good gracious! I am whipped! Tiredness rides me like a lowly be-otch.

I know many of you would like to see more frequent posts, but I have just been SO busy with speeches and appearances, it's tough. Let me give you an example of my daily schedule, let's look at today:

8:00am Wake and Shower
8:30am Enjoy hearty breakfast with Hef and the girls (have I mentioned that I've been staying at the Mansion?)
9:00am Massage and ASSasge
9:30am Meeting with advisors and other campaign members
10:45am Pick up The Head at the Port Authority (don't forget to locate his shoes and hat)
11:30am Martini's and Bloody Marys with The Head in limo
12:00pm Lunch @ Halle Berry's place, poolside
12:45pm Shower (wink!) and leave for campaign HQ
1:00pm Arrive @ HQ
1:01pm Retinal Scan - airlock opens
1:02pm Palm print Scan - airlock opens
1:03pm Ferry to "Inner Sanctum"
1:10pm Elevator to campaign skylab
1:15pm Blog time / Meeting with Sasha and Morgan (from Scores, West Side)
2:30pm [Event deleted]
4:00pm Tea time!

I really could go on with this.....but I shant.

As you can see, I am on a relentless schedule of meetings, martinis and 'tang.

I apologize for my lack of attention to the blog!!

Furthermore, I am coaching Bill O'reilly through his times of trouble....he's such and idiot!

2004-10-09T10:30:00.000-07:00

October 9th 2004
Presidential Candidate H.G. Wells
Radio Address To The American People

On the morning of October 9th 2004, around 9:30 am, Mister Wells spoke to the American people from his favourite armchair while smoking a cigar and enjoying a coffee. The transcript of his speech has been reprinted here.

FOR FUCK'S SAKE!!! I JUST TRANSCRIBED AN HOURS WORTH OF MATERIAL FROM THIS SPEECH AND LOST IT IN ONE FELL SWOOP!!!!

I AM ENRAGED!!! I HATE MY BLOG PRISON! THIS IS COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE!

DO YOU REALIZE HOW ANGRY THIS MAKES ME?

UNACCEPTABLE!

COMPLETLY UNACCEPTABLE!

I AM A ONE MAN OPPERATION ON THIS BLOG, AN ISLAND IF YOU WILL, AND I HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO THAN TRANSCRIBE MY OWN SPEECH AND HAVE IT LOST TO SOME GODDAMED PUBLISHING ERROR!

DAMN YOU, BLOGGER!

[PANTING]

I'm going back to bed.

Dia-bowl-ical Debate

2004-10-06T00:42:00.000-07:00

I am here and I am going to discuss this silly Vice Presidential debate, but I have something to attend to first......

...I think I ate something which had soured and now I'm paying the price.

Off to the loo!

....Wait! Just a minute here!
....hmm, Presidential debate...Vice Presidential debate...spoiled food....soured.....

My Goodness! These bloody debates have been giving me bowel dysfunctions!

Boodles Welfare Reform

2004-10-05T08:00:00.000-07:00

(Mister Wells gave the following speech this past Monday, October 4th, 2004. With over 11 thousand people in attendance, a BOOMING success, it has been the largest Wells-Head campaign event since Mr. Wells announced his intention to run for President of the United States. Mister Wells is the first candidate for president that has used time travel to not only defeat death, but also ensure his American citizenship. VP candidate Head is bold choice on Wells' part, as he might have as strong a "Pimp Hand" as Wells himself!)

And here is Mr. Wells, coming to the podium.......

Good evening! Thank you for coming! The drinks are cold, and they will be pouring throughout my speech...so, by all means, get plowed!

Tina, dear, can you top this off for me? Thanks. Is that a new bikini? Nice. Oh, pardon me folks.....on to business!

Today, we have an opportunity too often denied a new administration: to reaffirm a commitment to policies that have worked, and at the same time to make changes when conditions demand them. My candidate for Vice President really pushed for our administration to take a firm stance on the issue of welfare reform, so here it is!

Welfare in the United States once was synonymous with dependency and poverty. Many years ago, some idiots set out to "end welfare as we knew it." This is clearly the wrong approach. Our goal in the Wells-Head administration would be to replace dependency with Boodles Gin, and poverty with personal achievement, and martinis. The key to achieving that goal would putting work aside and drinking first.

In the research we have conducted, results have been dramatic. In 1996, some one-point-two million New Yorkers were on public assistance. Today, that figure has been cut by nearly 50 per cent. Why, because they are shitfaced drunk, happy and now useable! The welfare rolls have continued to go down by some 250,000 cases during the first four and a half months of this year because these people are getting sloshed, which in turn makes then appealing to bum-fight websites and radio morning show bits across the country. And, as we all know, these kinds of jobs can pay anywhere from 1 dollar to a brand new Bose Radio!

Fewer than 4,050,000 Americans now recieve public assistance. Some 54 per cent of that caseload could receive support from the federal "temporary bottles to needy drunkards, " or "TBND" program. The remainder could then receive aid through various state's "Boodles net" program, which would be established to provide continuing flowing gin to those who leave the federal drinking program once its five-year time limit for benefits expires, and for those never covered by federal booze benefits at all.

This reduction in welfare caseload would save us hundreds of millions of tax dollars, and given us innumerable new “friends” to hang out with. More importantly, it has transformed hundreds of thousands of lives. Gin guzzlers who were once welfare-dependant are now working or getting free radios. They have gained a foothold in the world of independence and hope, by cracking open that government bottle.

It isn't easy, not everyone will succeed, Head threw up twice during research. Also, there is word that some test subjects have gotten “real jobs”, but we don't have complete data on exactly what jobs these drunk-ass people have gone on to. But we do know that many have found jobs that allow them to support themselves and their families while keeping a hearty buzz. They are contributing to their communities and keeping Boodles in business. Many others have started on the road to self-sufficient drinking, and with our continued support, will get there as well.

In closing, with a Boodles Buzz – The Bums Gets Jobs! Better living through gin martinis! VOTE WELLS – HEAD 2004!!

Rousing applause!

Wells and Head are carried off by a gaggle of young ladies and bikini bartenders....and one or two science fiction enthusiasts.

Dastardly Debate

2004-10-01T06:06:00.000-07:00

I am here and I am going to discuss this silly Presidential debate, but I have something to attend to first......

...I think I ate something which had turned and now I'm paying the price.

Off to the loo!

Amuse yourselves...

2004-09-28T15:14:00.000-07:00

For the next few days I will be working on my latest book, "The Complete Idiots Guide to Making A Machine That Will Carry One Through Both Time and Space"

A project of this magnitude requires complete seclusion on my part. As the deadline lies between here and the November election, which I will be winning by write-in vote with my good friend The Head as veep, I must take a few days off from posting on this blog.

As this deeply pains me, I do plan on providing for all of you.

In the comments section below, please carry on the following discussions while I am away:

1) I belive that Girl Friday has the hots for The Head.

2) While The Head might be comitted to "The Missus" he digs this.

3) I believe there are readers who actually believe that I am (100%) the EXACT same person that wrote The Time Machine and various and sundry other books....and I am.
(Those of you who get this statement, get it. All others fall into the catagory of people this statement is about)

4) Victorian women are STILL hotties.

5) This is an ABSOLUTELY disgusting photograph of a weightlifter's blown out ass.

6) I am the "Mack Daddy".

Please freely and openly discuss these topics, and any others, until my return. I will try to stop in with a comment or two myself.

Cheerio! Good Luck!

Campaign Trail

2004-09-22T08:51:00.000-07:00

As one might expect, I am heading out on the campaign trail!!

Look for me in your comments section, bloggers!!

I am always looking for a reason to venture out!

I'll be back here soon with a new bevey of blog friends and supporters!

Wells / Head '04
"A Vote For Wells Means You Get Some Head Too!"

Addressing the Issues

2004-09-20T09:02:00.000-07:00

Many of you have been e-mailing to find out where the Wells campaign stands on the current isssues of the 2004 Presdiential race....ssooooooo.....here you are!

Interview with Mr. H.G. Wells on "The Issues"

What will you do about the war in Iraq?

Pharmaceutical sales. We will end the "war" and make up for any money lost by increasing sales of pharmaceuticals to Hollywood types.....of course, I'm kidding. We will attempt to smooth the situation over by sending drugs and pornography to any angry rebels and we will force members of the Bush campaign to help rebuild....by hand....alone....without water.....or toilets. But this is just our first draft of what to do....

What about the economy and jobs?

We will employ the "Lewis Black Techinique". Build a giant "thing" therefore creating jobs. Then the buzz about the "thing" will cause people to go see it, therefore boosting business in the area and people will spend $$ to see the "thing" and buy crap. It's a bit more involved than this, but let's not push it....this bit is a little weak.

What about the environment, education and that other stuff?

It will all get better...we will make it better. I have a time machine, see. We can simply go back in time - change where we fucked up - and come back here to a healthy and wealthy USA! In fact, we can prevent war and all kinds of shit with that! Screw that time continium crap and all that "going back and killing your grandfather means you'll never get laid or some shit " stuff. I've been around the time, I can make some sweet changes.

Anything else?

Yes.

And that would be?

I've got a bit of a buzz. I'm sorry. Who's idea was this terrible post?

Yours.

Oh yeah. Well, it's over. VOTE WELLS / HEAD 2004!!!

WELLS / HEAD 2004
" A Vote For Wells Means You Get Some Head Too!!"

Really?

2004-09-17T10:12:00.000-07:00

I am tired of this bloody run for president in the US!!

Kerry Bush Kerry Bush

Bugger OFF! Both of you!

I have a better idea....

War of the Whirled

2004-09-16T08:26:00.000-07:00

I am reeling from this, friends. I must sit down for a scotch....

Today I recieved a letter from a young lady professing her love for me. She used some rather filthy language, describing torrid scenes of which I have never imagined two consenting adults taking part in. Here are a few brief excerpts:

"...My life! My soul! The springs of pleasure are wound to such a pitch that I cannot help but succumb to extacy! I must have your love, Mister Wells. "

"...carry me to a new-discover'd sphere of Venus, I am melting into a softness that can refuse you nothing! "

"...I shall open wide my pouting-lipt mouth, that you might unleash thy sweet loving fury! "

As you can see, I have good reason to be flustered!

Yet, this does bring me back from the burning rage I have been suffering from over this Steven Spielberg situation, that filthy hump!

The young lady also included a bawdry photograph. I will not post it here, but since we are the closest of friends....

...you can sneek a peek (here) BEWARE: It is a racy one!

To address this young lady directly....

No thanks.

Oh, and your pits could use a shaving.

Thats all for now!

Wells..........OUT!
(does this sound like a good sign off, or is the whole "seacrest" thing played???)

You Are Playing With Fire, Sir!

2004-09-13T08:49:00.000-07:00

Indeed! Playing with fire is what this Steven Spielberg chap is doing! First those chaps STOLE from me for League of Extraordinary Gentlemen and now this! Ghastly insults!

How DARE he plan production of a film based upon my novel War of the Worlds and not consult me! I HAVE NO SAY IN THESE MATTERS? Boo on you, Steven! I have much to say!

That novel needs, at minimum, four or five rewrites before it is ready for the silver screen! I did not prepare that text for film! I have been looking over my 1886-1888 manuscripts and notes from War of the Worlds recently, and I have found passages I removed which might "punch up" a script considerably! Sizeable passages of material, but did you ask? NO.

Furthermore, who is this dowdy David Koepp? Who gave him permissions to "adapt" my work? Were his credentials so overwhelming you could not resist? The flaming idiot has done nothing but adapt others works! Jurassic Park and Spiderman, phooey! His only appropriate work has been Hack, for that is his title!!

I am not going to EVEN comment on this Tom Cruise fellow, the crashing bore. I have viewed a recapitulation of his works and found many of the films to be quite irksome. I do not doubt his performance in Minority Report has led these Hollywood types to believe he is appropriate for my lead character. That and his lengthy list of other works with Mr. Spielberg, that bloody fool!

Goodness, I am a fevered pitch!

I only wish I had been consulted. As this film begins production, I shall hope these men come around and contact me.

If nothing else, as this progresses, it will drive interested parties to this blog. Then I will have my say on this epic production!

Honestly gentlemen, when Orson Welles and the Mercury Theater performed the radio version in 1938, they asked for my assistance and look what a SMASHING time that was!

Call me, Steven. You are going to need me on this one, no one wants my novel to come off like A.I.

Talk To The Hand...I Mean Head...

2004-09-07T08:15:00.000-07:00

As many of you know, I have truly taken to the full participation aspect of blogging. It is Freedom of Speech in it's rawest form! People around the world can cultivate conversations on the most intriguing of topics, it's a wonder! Philosophy, Politics, Ass Kissing, Science, Begging for Sexual Favors, Sociology, Teen Pop Sensations, Religion... it is a stomping ground for intellectual discussion!....Let's have an example of this.....

The Head said...
Pimp it Mr. Wells. You're an inspiration to us all. You have inspired me to consume several Boodles martinis tonight.
In fact, I will re-comment here later after doing so.
A little known (except for me and, of course, the illustrious Mr. Wells) fact is that Boodles gin is not like other spirits. In addition to the alcohol, it contains magic pixie dust that makes the drinker especially witty and charming, especially attractive to the fairer sex. So men, drink Boodles, chat up some fly honies and you'll be getting a monocle-ful of ankle in no time.
It also makes you smell better, wards off most STD's, and increases your lean muscle mass.

Incorrect Time

The Head said...
I guess it would be spelled "honeys".

Grossly Incorrect Time

H G Wells said...
An excellent testimonial for the Boodles, Head.

As a matter of fact, I returned from my sociological blog studies early this afternoon (just before tea) and had a young hottie from the near east mix me up a Boodles martini! HIT IT!

Hangin' em high, Head! YA HEARD?!

Only Slightly Incorrect Time

The Head said...
Wasted. Just wasted.
Pip pip! on the hottie making you a Boodles martini. yOU LATCH ON TO THAT GIRL IF SHE'S FROM A GOOD FAMILY. OK, caps lock on by accident. I'll leave it as further evidence of the glory of Boodles. If she's not from a good family, she'll gladly make you martinis and sex in exchange for boarding at the local flophouse. You deserve a strumpet Mr. Wells.

Way Off PM

The Head said...
Although those from the East end are clap-ravaged harlots.
West Side hoo-ers are the best.
A whole new level of sophisticated tramp.

Seconds Later
[ed. note: The Head has provided NO solid evidence to support his statement regarding "East end" women.]

The Head said...
The time's all wrong. It's 10:48 pm.
Fuckers.

Wrong Again And The Head Is Unhappy

H G Wells said...
I love a good Boodles martini! These posts are further evidence of just how sophisticated and exciting a good cocktail hour can be!

I remember having drinks with Julius Martov, after the Mensheviks were outlawed and he had emigrated to Berlin..goodness, that was right around 1920 or 1921...only a matter of one or two years before his death. None the less we were drinking Boodles martinis and debating exactly what Lenin had done wrong with Russia and Martov threw his hands up and tried to stand up and FELL RIGHT ON HIS ASS! Hmm...that chap could really sock them away...he was in his late 40's at the time....maybe 48.....BAH! I'm rambling!

Another winner, Head! I raise my glass to you!
-HG

11:01 PM (Right On!)

Today's final word from The HEAD....

The Head said...
Indeed. People would be better off with more cocktail hours.Hitler was a teetotaler and Churchill drank Boodles. Who would you rather associate with?
7:08 AM

[ed. note: All teetotalers are Nazis, so this bit of information is no surprise!]

Letter To Mr. Akshay

2004-09-03T10:19:00.000-07:00

From the comment box:

akshay said...
Herbert,
If I can call you that .
I hear you married your first cousin Isabel Mary Wells what made do such a thing?
You believe in keeping the genes in the family,

8:39 AM

Sir,

You have incontestably become the single most irritation in my current quandary. You are a true pain-in-the-akshay. Hahahahahaha!!! Haaaaa. Ahhh. {sigh}

No, you may not call me Herbert. However, I am happy to see that you have run me through the Google, and I expect that you believe you are an authority on all things Wellsian. Wonderful.

As my faithful readers know, for the moment, I have had little interest in speaking of time travel, politics circa 1900-1945 and anything related to colon-rectal cancer. So this, as wih most of your comments, thus far, is quite boring. My current interest lies in this new found blog world and how I can get to the nearest bar for a stiff Boodles martini ( WORD TO MA BROTHA, THE MUTHAFUCKIN' HEAD!)

Do not be mistaken. These issues will all be addressed in good time, please bear with me. I have a particular orderliness which I would like to follow in giving this cornucopious discourse on my life experiences and findings.

As for the young lady. I am from a different era, you ninny! We were far less concerned with how people were related...we were into GETTIN' SOME! I married several women and disappointed everyone one by cheating! See.....GETTIN' SOME!
Additionally, if you tell me that cousins do not marry in India, I will call you an IMPUDENT LIAR! I have been to your country, spoken with your countrymen, I have tasted the fruit of your Hindu women's lions and I have gotten a formidable case of the diaroonies from your water! I'm down with India.

I love the comments, please keep them coming and I will continue my tour of Blogland!

Thanks, Akshay! No harm done, it's all about fun!

Adapt or perish, now as ever, is blogging's inexorable imperative...

2004-09-01T06:21:00.000-07:00

I originally wrote those words in reference to nature, but I think it applies here as well.

In these past few weeks since I have returned I have developed, not only a knack for the new breed of lady and sippin' on the new brews, (both of which are stronger and more robust than anything in my day!) but I have also found an interest in this "rock music".

I seem to have missed several eras of musicians that produced some of the loudest, most catastrophic, rambling, crashing, smashing, blasting, ass grabbin', punanny chasin', beer guzzlin', coke sniffin', chronic smokin, guitar screamin'.....well, you get my point, it's not parlour music.

In honor and homage to these wild and carefree acts, I have added their links to my page here.

Enjoy them as I do!

Coming Along Quite Well !!

2004-08-30T16:37:00.000-07:00

Well, faithful readers, I believe things are coming along quite well for your friend Ol' Mister Wells! In my recent travels I have succeeded in touching the lives of several individuals here inside the land of blogging and I am feeling compelled to make this my life's work!

I am feeling refreshed and rejuvenated by the interactions I have had, the comments left and the comments received. In fact, as a testimonial, here are some of them...Including some insight in to my bizarre situation, from one "Big D" (The Grimm Reaper himself!)

Big D said...
Mr Wells,
Thank you for your very considerate inquiry as to my health and spirit. Along with time, health and spirit are all irrelevant to one such as I. I am quite certain that you of all people can relate to this unique bit of multiversal physics, as you are no doubt aware, that you exist on several threads of the multiverse simultaneously, even now, thanks to your achievements in Time Travel.You are both living, and non-living.My condolences on being stuck with Mr Van Buren in the Kineoscope. I remember well the day I collected him in 1841. A horrid, bore of a human, forever droning on about something called The Erie Canal. Frankly, I was glad to be rid of him.Which brings me to your current situation, and it is one, I'm afraid, I have no control over. My particular office is acquisition and Delivery, and I am sorry to say, that, Placement and Relocation are strictly administrative affairs.I will, however, be happy to inform my temporary replacement (whom I see weekly), about your plight, and see if he can talk to someone from P&R about why you're stuck in the Kineoscope and if it is at all possible to arrange your release."Grease the Administrative Wheels" so to speak. No promises 'though, my replacement is somewhat...unique.
Kind regards,
G. Reaper

p.s. If Billy (my replacement), manages to free you from the kinescope, feel free to look me up in Florida.But please don't bring Van Buren.
G.R.
11:25 AM

And here is another from a blogger to whom I commented upon her interactions with a "blogging friend" and the nature of a particular discussion...

Fredette said...
Thanks for stopping by...I quite enjoyed your post. Why of course MJ was using that term "warpath" to take me away from my focus. I saw that. I do wonder if you saw the link about which I spoke?
I decided to call MJ on her actions...not because I care about the topic so much as I wanted to see her response! I suspect she will be very timid about standing up. She hits me as one who will accuse and then run off... I detest that!!

Yes, I really enjoyed leaving that lengthy comment! Glad I could help Fredette! That is, IF I helped! I suppose I did!! But I digress...

One last example. This young lady was appreciative of my comments left upon her friend's site. I have not included my comments, for I cannot find them!

Jayleigh said...

H.G.- There are two things I'd like to tell you.The first is your comment on my best friend's blog, Adventures of a Boy Named Wade. You are SO right on, and I appreciate your telling him so. He's sweet and smart and you had the balls to tell him the things I could not.

The second is this line from your blog, "I am, was, and will always be One Badass MoFo With A Taste For The 'Tang."You make me smile. Have a good one!
9:01 AM

Well, I may be trapped inside this god-awful contraption, yet I know a few things:

1) I am, was and will always be a bad.....yes, yes.....you get my point with the first one!

2) The American's (and the world?) are seriously fucked with this election thingy. Glad I'm in here!

3) I must continue my travels in search of a way out of this machine and I must help any others I cross paths with in this endevor.

Back to work!

My Findings...

2004-08-27T10:40:00.000-07:00

I am ready to reveal my findings from traveling about the blogland!

I have discovered that in this world of blogging there are many types of people. More than half of which speak and type in a foreign language. Sometimes it is recognizable, sometimes it looks like this:

111111111111

and on occasion it looks like jibberish:

wjaufdndfk wdi Coke ofe didu7f dod0w, poljd!! Blog!

I came across artists and construction workers, a girl that thinks she is from another planet and an entire city called Backwardcity! (however, everything was not backward)

I found house wives and disaffected teens, old people and large groups of bowlers. I even came across several public service blogs and political discussion groups.

All in all, I found that this land of blogs needs to be studied further!

After restocking on water and pipe tobacco, I will set out again on Monday morning!!

See you in the field!

On Holiday ( visiting you?)

2004-08-25T13:38:00.000-07:00

For the next day or so, I will be on holiday visiting other residents of the "blog land".

In the event I leave a brief message at your site, please feel free to comment here!

I plan on reporting my findings, good and bad, back here at my resident site.

Understand, any comments left are merely for amusement and I mean no harm!

To be honest, I just left a post regarding one gentleman's grooming habits to which I expect a nasty reply from his lady-friend!!

See you here soon!

These Incessant Presentations Are Dreadful!!

2004-08-25T07:31:00.000-07:00

My kineoscope screen is often badgered with unsolicited presentations!

The unrelenting advertisements are becoming tiresome.

I do not know where they come from, or who generates them, but if the person or persons responsible is reading this:

Please, I implore you!! Cease and desist from these advertisements!

I do not know who this Zango chap is, but he is persistant!

I am not interested in "screensavers", "online university" or "casino gaming"

Just navigating this internet has become difficult!!

I am tired.....

Having A Gay Old Time!......What? That's No Longer Said? See This Is Part Of The Problem!

2004-08-23T17:50:00.000-07:00

I have recieved multiple e-mail messages regarding my supposed feud with the 8th President of the United States, Martin Van Buren as well as messages regarding the (apparent) repressed homosexuality of this blog.

Firstly, my indignant remarks tword Van Buren were due to a personal mix-up in surnames. As I have explained in the following apology:

From www.8presindahouse.blogspot.com ------------------
2 Comments:

H G Wells said...
President Van Buren,

I have issued a reprive on the public pages of my blog. In an opiate haze I seem to have mistaken you for my former gardner Van Boren! He recently obsconded with several dozen tulip bulbs and a rather rare orchid, which took me some time and efforts to obtain from the jungles of... AH! I'm babbling! I'm sorry for the mix up.( And make no mistake, I'm a hard-core lady lova! Well, there was that one time.....bah! )
Friday, August 20, 2004

President Martin Van Buren said...
Appology accepted.
Monday, August 23, 2004

As you can see Van Buren has accepted my apology on this Monday the twenty-third of August in the year two-thousand and four, wonderful!! Thus, ending any confusion or conflict!
I have changed my link to President Van Buren's site to express this newfound acquaintanceship. Van Buren is, most definately, now considered "Ma Dawg!"

Van Buren has also been considerate enough to include this site among his "Additional Resources" under a title that brings us to our next topic....

The Repressed Homosexuality Of H.G. Wells

I am, was, and will always be One Badass MoFo With A Taste For The 'Tang.

I suppose something is causing this misconseption! It's must be this bloody Victoria accent and fondness for wearing leather chaps!

I can't shake either of them, so you'll just have to take my word for it....

Time Travel

2004-08-23T12:00:00.000-07:00

There have already been questions about my ability to travel through time and whether or not I did, in fact, invent a time machine. Well my answer to both is a resounding, YES!

I have and do travel through time on a relatively regular basis! In fact check the date of this post.

However, my time machine is nothing like the ones in movies and magazines. Over the years artists have horribly misconstrued my notations and sketches. My machine looks nothing like that riduculous throne with a giant discus behind it.....silly! Here is photograph of my time machine:

Rather Keen isn't it?

Here's what it's like to travel through time and space......

....and you can only imagine the ho's I get with this thing,

League of Extraordinary CRAP!!

2004-08-20T17:45:00.000-07:00

I just saw that "League Of Extraditioned Gentlemen" film. I have never been so insulted!

One Word:

BARF ME OUT.

Well, I suppose that was three words. Yet, it sufficiently expresses my sentiments towards the film.

Etch Me If You Can!

2004-08-20T16:16:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been inviting young ladies to my residence to view my etchings.

Here's a nice one of a woma.....eh, I mean a bottle rack....shaped.....LOVELY, Isn't it?

Here is another...

This is a favourite of mine. I produced this etching after a particularly torrid evening with Mary Augusta Ward and Emily Bronte! At one point, Henry James and I argued which woman was which in the picture. I told him I was kidding about the three-way and it was actually a sketch of my second wife looking in the mirror. He believed me, we had a laugh and a scotch and some kisses and light petting by candle light until the sun came up.

In other news:

For those of you that have been following my current lifestyle, I have decided to cease following this poppycock Atkins diet. I have found that this excessive intake of red meats has made it incredibly difficult to pass a turd. I have the most acrid gas too!

I am also concerned about my recent inability to achieve an erection. I also attribute this to the Atkins diet, or perhaps the fact that I'm 138 years old. But Hef tells me not to worry, I'm probably just nervous with the new girl.

Martin Van Buren is a Wanker!

2004-08-20T09:40:00.000-07:00

Good Day Gentlemen and Ladies!

I am proud to present my new presence on the World Wide Web! You know this web thingy is EXACTLY the kind of thing I had in mind for the modern world, goodness I am a genius! Now if I could only remember where I put my room key.

Well, I'll kick things off here in a moment but let me address Mr. Van Buren, the 8th President of the United States of America:

Dearest Mr. Van Buren,

You filthy prick. How dare you return to the public eye and steal the glory from other world figures! I will give you some of the respect you are due. After all, you left office 20 years before I was even born, and you did have the smarts to take your $100,000 salary for 4 years of office as a lump payment in the end.....but GODDAMMIT MARTY!! YOU STOLE MY GLORY!
I AM THE FATER OF SCIENCE FICTION! HOW DARE YOU JUMP ON BLOGGER AND MAKE ME LOOK BAD!! THIS IS THE FUTURE I SPOKE ABOUT!!

In conclusion, you are dead whereas I continue to live thanks to the miracles of modern chemistry, biology, botany, and an Indian massage technique called "quorka". It's an amazing series of pushes and pulls on the soft tissue....BAH! I'm getting off the point!

If I see you, I'm gonna kick your Kinderhook ass, "First US born President"....wussy faggot.

I hope this letter finds you healthy and well!

Herbert George Wells